Since I had to stop last year due to sore heel for couple of months with no prospects of any long runs if any at all I had a hard time coming back to running. I tried to persuade myself it is a part of the journey and it is just temporary, but my willingness going for runs progressively declined.
Part of me, very proud part of me, who managed to run half marathon and was on the journey to the full one, was just sad. She didn’t want to stop running, she wanted to reach her goals and feel as she can and is capable doing so. She didn’t want to feel defeated, give up and start all over again.
I didn’t run for two months in hopes for my heel to heal. It got better, but as soon I have started running again pain came back as well. So although very reluctantly I had to start again from the beginnings. I had to change my already very stripped 10k run plan into 5k one.
Just few months ago I have run full twenty kilometres and now I run just ten five minutes and I feel tired?
What happened to my body?
This has been quite a mental challenge of going running, than few days processing the decline, persuading myself it is going to get better and running again. Sometimes unsure if the pain is normal or I just should stop all together. I tried to listen to my body, but same time not to make excuses for myself. As enjoyable runs still has been and helped me clear my head to somewhat extent it was just not what it once used to be. Fearful part of myself got to speak about my heel never getting better and proud part of myself just nagged me about never running marathon again.
Sometimes in the midst of it is hard to see things may ever got better.
Slowly, step by step I got to walk and run 5k.
My birthday came and I had a strong urge going outdoors as I was working all day. As we have longer light now I got to go to a forest for a quick 5k walk and run. It was a beautiful day and as I smelled pine trees around and heard birds singing I have decided this is the perfect time. Time to start running 5k every day for a year.
The idea was brewing in my head for quite some time, but I have been postponing it as I still didn’t feel ready for the challenge. When would I be though? What better time there is than mark it by my birthsday. I might not manage every single day, my injury might prevent me from doing so, but there is no harm to try and see. I can not run long distance runs this year, but maybe I can run (almost) every day distance I am capable to handle.
I am not really sure where did I find the question, but somewhere I heard if one wants to keep beeing motivated running, they need to know their reasons for doing so. When tough times come and one hits a wall on the race, you should be clear on why do you want to push through and what are your reasons behind being on your feet so many kilometres and aspiring to finish this treacherous march.
People run for different reasons. Hearing others people stories they would talk about runners high, helping their mental health, clearing their head, achieving goals, proving something to themselves…But I feel there must be more behind it. These are all great reasons and goals, but eventually one hits a point where it is just simply not enough and one needs to start digging deeper. I had to.
Tomorrow is the big day when I run my first half marathon and this questions has been hanging over my shoulder past few weeks, even a month if not longer.
So why do I run?
I repeat myself a bit here but it all has started with wanting to exercise. Friend recommendation came my way and Couch to 5k seamed easy enough to follow. It was not too demanding, so I thought why not. Running just couple of minutes felt exhausting, my lungs wanted to burst, my fitness was near to zero. Mental barriers are often much more powerful than the physical ones and as I was progressing through the training I needed to face them. I could push myself physically, but when old well known voice started in my head telling me all sort of things it was hard to not listen to it.
‘you’re not able to do this’
‘look at yourself, you’re weak’
‘what are you thinking wanting to run? You’re not a kid anymore when you were actually good at it.’
‘it’s cold outside.’
‘It’s too hot outside.’
‘It’s too windy.’
‘You are too tired today, leave it for tomorrow.’
I could keep going. There were always tones of excuses why not to run. All my inner demons awaken once I attempted it. But every time I pushed through this barriers I came back home feeling better then before, no matter the weather, how tired I was, how depressed I felt. Sometimes I could run just few minutes, but it was still better then nothing.
The first training ‘couch to 5k’ took me half a year instead of nine weeks, because it was a constant battle in between me and my inner demons. Sometimes they won and other times I celebrated victory. Somewhere deep inside I knew I need to keep going, because it is a matter of life and death. Symbolically. I knew if I manage this it will change my life and maybe I will get my life back, because I lost it in years before. I lost who I always thought I was, I lost inner confidence due to experiences I had to go through, I lost the believe that I am worthy of life, of anything really. I stayed strong when I was in it, but certain experiences just take a toll on us and we feel them on body level, in our psyche long after they are not present in our life anymore.
Running became the one thing to push for as all other outlets were to release inner pain. Running meant I am doing something for his body what carries me, I am more kind and gentle to it, but same time making it keep going no matter how hard things get.
From 5k I kept running, stopping over summers, picking up again during winter time. I was loosing motivation and wanted to be able keep it going all year long, because I actually felt better. Again and again I fell into same state of mind preventing me from running, almost as if I wouldn’t allow myself to feel good as all I knew was pain. It was a comfortable place to be in even if absolutely not beneficial. It is somewhat awful to admit, but it gave me ‘identity’, even if it made sense only to myself and for a long time only on subconscious level.
It was easier every time I reached something or was about to, just stop altogether, take a break, let the fear of actually be good in something prevent me from doing so. This has manifested in all areas of my life. I would be scared open up in relationships as soon they became too close, I would stop painting as soon I became actually good at it, I would almost not finish chosen studies, because there was always ‘what if’. I am a warrior in all the sense of it. Strong and able to push through but same time worrying about every single possible outcome. It amazes me how conditioned we can be by our experiences, environment or even more deeper things such as our DNA or life we lived before this one.
Running became a tool how to break this never ending cycle of ‘giving up’ on things or people I love, but as well on myself and life I became to live in this timeline. If I manage my own ‘saboteur’ within me and sign up for race, if I manage to go and finish it, that means I am able to do the same in other areas of my life too.
I will always remember the night before my first 5k. I needed support, I was very stressed and needed someone close to me to be there, hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okey. Close people who I would reach to were not able to be there because of different reasons or because they struggled with their own demons as well. Maybe at the end it was a blessing. I had to rely on myself, push through this last strongest barrier of self-doubt, listen to the overthinking mind and eventually sooth and calm myself and reassure myself that everything will be all right. I almost did not go, but at the end despite the stress and anxiety I went anyway, telling myself that in the worst scenario I will be last or I don’t finish at all.
The experience was out of the world. The euphoria cumulated within us all runners, the excitement of the crowd cheering their loved ones. I wasn’t last and I did finish. I watched the last person crossing the finish line and she was my hero. I admire people’s strength going against all the odds. She will be able to conquer much more now once she has done it. And so will I.
From the 5k race I went to train to 10k but as always I would stop running over summer. I kept some exercise going though and did my 10k year later. I was going through some major changes in life so this race was a reminder I can get through difficult things. Similar experience, euphoria and excitement. So much motivation. The times of me not running shortened and it was only couple of months after 10k until this day when I consistently trained for my first half marathon. Sitting and writing this is already a huge accomplishment. No matter if I finish tomorrow because of possible heel pains, I know I already got there. From this point I know I can do things and I am capable and worthy of whatever nice life has in store for me. Running helped me understand that the life is not only about pain but it is about fun as well, it is about being kind to oneself. This time this is manifesting in the outside world as well and I am getting kindness and support back.
Thank you.
Coming back to my reasons to run I can only say it is life itself.
I am doing it for all the people around me who love me and I love them to be able to be the best version of myself, keeping my body in check when emotional or mental struggles arise. I do it for all the people I work with to be able to be present with them, sit with their pain and not get pulled deep into it. I run for the body what carries me, to keep it physically and mentally healthy. I run because it is another experience I can have in this life and in this body, it is way to explore the world and my own limits, way to live fulling, exiting life with resilience, compassion and inner strength to choose what is right in every moment for myself but as well in some ways for those around me.
Beside the fact that my mum used to say I loved running as a kid next to her bicycle when going to local grocery store, I have never been a runner. I did okey running in school, but never really thought of running as ‘my’ thing. There always been better ones and I didn’t necessary found a passion and enjoyment in it at that age. It took three decades for me to start some serious running.
The process was slow. I have started with podcast building up to 5k. What was meant to be achieved in 9 weeks took me six months. Starting and stopping, weeks of breaks in between and coming back to the beginnings. Part of me stopped believing in myself or the fact I can actually achieve something. Sometimes it takes just one big traumatic experience to reach rock bottom, other times it takes hundreds of little comments, little ugly actions from outside world and some significant verbal or emotional abuse to reach the point where one looses confidence in themselves.
Beside therapy, serious looking inside of myself and reframing my view of the world running became a final tool pulling me out of dark years of recovery from difficult relationship. I decided, not consciously at a time, to take my life back and start to be writer of my story again. Fighting with inner demons which were over and over pulling me away from keeping up with running I reached my first 5k running. It was an incredible feeling of achievement as I have never done such thing before. My body felt good, my mind clearer and sense of happiness started accompany my days once again.
Over the years I stopped running and picked it up again, similarly as my first 5k podcast done over 6 months rather then 9 weeks. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Today I know I will always be able pick it up. Even though I need to come back a little I will get there if I keep running.
I signed up for my first 5k running race in 2022. I almost gave up a night before. Old familiar voice creeped in once again, trying to persuade me what a fool I am to thinking I can run a race in my thirties. I felt very stressed out and cried my eyes out experiencing serious meltdown until I finally fell asleep. I wished to have there someone to support me, but my close people either weren’t available or didn’t know I even signed up or they just simply decided it is not worth it to be standing an hour by the fence and cheer me up. I was upset about it, but it was one of those moments when I had to decide to cheer myself up and not to be waiting for someone doing such thing for me. As much I wanted to share this experience with someone close I was doing it for myself after all.
What an experience!
I was on the cloud. The cheers from strangers around, the energy within running crowd. We were all there to run and so we did…up the hill…lake…views of the sea and down around Arthur Seat…last few meters…I’ve made it! My first race ever.
I want to experience this again.
So I signed up for my 10k in October.
Summers are hard for running. The air becomes more humid and I find it difficult. Every year I stop running somewhere during the summer. I never run 10k in October as I was not able to train for it. I have learned to deal with ‘failure’ by now and reframe it into something else. I was just not ready yet. I signed up for 10k run in May of next year. As it started approaching I tried my best to train, but as usual it is not always as easy as one would like. By the time the run came I still haven’t run full 10k, I was maybe on 7k, but I decided going anyway.
What an experience once again! The energy, the crowd, the achievement.
My first 10k! And I run the whole time. I was exhausted after but full of endorphins as well. This time I could share the experience with a friend, so it made it even more special.
I want more of this!
Half Marathon it is next year.
I gave myself a goal of one race every year as more might be a bit too much at the moment. There is only few months left at the time I am writing this. By now I have reached my 5k as I stopped running for about 2.5 months in summer, as usual. I am doing bridge to 10k at the moment and hopefully I will manage my longest run before Half Marathon. If I manage this it might mean to run the full marathon next year.
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