Running half marathon this year

Beside the fact that my mum used to say I loved running as a kid next to her bicycle when going to local grocery store, I have never been a runner. I did okey running in school, but never really thought of running as ‘my’ thing. There always been better ones and I didn’t necessary found a passion and enjoyment in it at that age. It took three decades for me to start some serious running.

The process was slow. I have started with podcast building up to 5k. What was meant to be achieved in 9 weeks took me six months. Starting and stopping, weeks of breaks in between and coming back to the beginnings. Part of me stopped believing in myself or the fact I can actually achieve something. Sometimes it takes just one big traumatic experience to reach rock bottom, other times it takes hundreds of little comments, little ugly actions from outside world and some significant verbal or emotional abuse to reach the point where one looses confidence in themselves.

Beside therapy, serious looking inside of myself and reframing my view of the world running became a final tool pulling me out of dark years of recovery from difficult relationship. I decided, not consciously at a time, to take my life back and start to be writer of my story again. Fighting with inner demons which were over and over pulling me away from keeping up with running I reached my first 5k running. It was an incredible feeling of achievement as I have never done such thing before. My body felt good, my mind clearer and sense of happiness started accompany my days once again.

Over the years I stopped running and picked it up again, similarly as my first 5k podcast done over 6 months rather then 9 weeks. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Today I know I will always be able pick it up. Even though I need to come back a little I will get there if I keep running.

I signed up for my first 5k running race in 2022. I almost gave up a night before. Old familiar voice creeped in once again, trying to persuade me what a fool I am to thinking I can run a race in my thirties. I felt very stressed out and cried my eyes out experiencing serious meltdown until I finally fell asleep. I wished to have there someone to support me, but my close people either weren’t available or didn’t know I even signed up or they just simply decided it is not worth it to be standing an hour by the fence and cheer me up. I was upset about it, but it was one of those moments when I had to decide to cheer myself up and not to be waiting for someone doing such thing for me. As much I wanted to share this experience with someone close I was doing it for myself after all.

What an experience!

I was on the cloud. The cheers from strangers around, the energy within running crowd. We were all there to run and so we did…up the hill…lake…views of the sea and down around Arthur Seat…last few meters…I’ve made it! My first race ever.

I want to experience this again.

So I signed up for my 10k in October.

Summers are hard for running. The air becomes more humid and I find it difficult. Every year I stop running somewhere during the summer. I never run 10k in October as I was not able to train for it. I have learned to deal with ‘failure’ by now and reframe it into something else. I was just not ready yet. I signed up for 10k run in May of next year. As it started approaching I tried my best to train, but as usual it is not always as easy as one would like. By the time the run came I still haven’t run full 10k, I was maybe on 7k, but I decided going anyway.

What an experience once again! The energy, the crowd, the achievement.

My first 10k! And I run the whole time. I was exhausted after but full of endorphins as well. This time I could share the experience with a friend, so it made it even more special.

I want more of this!

Half Marathon it is next year.

I gave myself a goal of one race every year as more might be a bit too much at the moment. There is only few months left at the time I am writing this. By now I have reached my 5k as I stopped running for about 2.5 months in summer, as usual. I am doing bridge to 10k at the moment and hopefully I will manage my longest run before Half Marathon. If I manage this it might mean to run the full marathon next year.

Slowly, but I’m getting there!

by Categories: Running soulTags: , , , , Leave a comment

The roles we play

To do whatever is required of you in any situation without it becoming a role that you identify with is an essential lesson in the art of living that each one of us is here to learn.

– Echart Tolle

I guess on of the reasons I have an artist block is exactly this. One of the reasons I find difficult to be a counsellor is exactly this. It is difficult to not identify with a role. I see myself as an artist in very different way as is usually considered to be. I create art, because there are feelings and emotions sometimes so overwhelming that I have to get them out as I would go crazy otherwise. I think in creation, I see colours and sunsets and buildings and shapes and patterns and I think how can I immerse myself in it, how can I become it. I tried practice and schedule my art, I tried to become better in technique and ‘think’ about the art I am creating, but if I do that it just never works. As a counsellor I tried to structure my counselling, I tried to think about what are the next possible steps for my clients to take, I tried to think of best possible plan, but that never works. My best creation and arty stuff was when I stopped thinking, when I became the picture I was creating, when I stopped doing and just was. Something created thorugh me.

My best sessions with clients and times when something changed was when I actually had no idea what we are doing and just let it happen. I just maintained the simple rules of safety and just let it happen. I found it difficult then to explain what is going on in the sessions, but I knew they worked even if it did not seam like at the start. As if something talked through me and delivered to the person whatever it was they were meant to hear.

I am coming to conclusion that we are not meant to do, we are just meant to be. I am not an artist. I am not a counsellor. I just am and that’s all and enough. Yet I find it very hard, because we do not live in world and society where this is accepted. As a counsellor I have to have a process and reason for things I do, but sometimes I just do them, because they just feel right in the moment. As an artist I am meant to practice and become better, capture whatever I am capturing. But sometimes I have no idea how and why I choose the colours, the subject or the scene.

Or are these just a constructs of our own mind?

I always saw art as the freest thing. Place where one can channel everything and no one cares how it looks. Andy Warhol once said that

‘You just create art and let people decide what they think of it, you just create.’

I love this perspective. It is stripped of all the judgment from one self, of need for success, need to be recognised, need to stand out. You just create, you just are and let it come through you. Yet all these people had a tough lives, they even haven’t been the nicest people or handled all the most correct way. But they were creators, they were innovators and they just were what ever that meant.

I am scared to be this person. There is so much risk involved, yet if I am not that then who am I?

My entire life has been balancing in between who I want to be and who I should be. Many would say it is because of my upbringing, because of the believes I have adopted in this physical form and they would be mostly correct, but what if it doesn’t matter? What if whatever life I am meant to live just has to be lived? What if I can just get a ride along and see the experience?

Sometimes I wonder how we are so aspiring for own freedom and independence, but yet we are trapped in our own world of criticism and shoulds  and believes what are far away from any real freedom. We judge and think how others should be and should live their lives. We even adopt these roles and personas where we have to maintain certain standards to be us. It seams to be such an illusion of what is really reality.

Sometimes I just want to run and escape. I just want to live far away from everyone and everything. There were times I wanted to die and leave this earth.

I feel as I am on the edge of not adapting the role anymore and just be, yet I always become ‘something’  and then I leave it and run away to next thing just to be able not identify with whatever the role is. So I never really get anywhere, I don’t achieve anything and I am starting to think, that it is exactly what is needed.

I just want to be.

by Categories: Artistic Soul, Life growing soulTags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

Ordinary moments by Edinburgh canal

There are times when I feel as Edinburgh is not my place. I have this fantasy of living in mountains, having small cottage and garden, dog, cats and a duck and maybe even a horse and a cow. I am not a city girl not even a town girl. I left village because there were many things I did not like at a time and I just needed to see the world, expand my horizons. I guess that is quite a common drive of young people and I will never regret I took the leap of faith and just went to see the world.

England. Spain. Czech Republic. Scotland.

Places I lived in and many more where I just visited. But as older I get as less I desire to expand horizons by living in busy places, but rather my attention is drawn to more basic and natural connections.

Edinburgh became my home, but it has been sort of love and hate relationship between us.

It is still a city, loud and much bigger what I have ever been used to. I do not know how to live permanently in a flat and I miss having nature at the door steps.

But there are moments as today when I feel the beauty of the place what Edinburgh certainly has.

Walking by the canal my thoughts just run to a lot of different places. There is a little house for sale just in front of the park and canal. That could be quite nice place to live in even in the city, having green just in front of you. As I walked and fantasised about living in the corner house by the canal I’ve seen in the distance young guy practising some tricks on his bike. There was quite a lot of people around, but no one really paid him attention.

Being the person I am I found this moment fascinating.

I love people doing their stuff, whatever it is, as more creative they are as more I feel emersed in the present moment. I smile, thinking how cool is this, just walking at evening in Edinburgh seeing this young man creating a memory of Edinburgh for me. As if universe listened to my thoughts and wanted to give me another piece of ‘ordinary’ Edinburgh, jut few meters after there was someone else sitting on the bench practicing electric guitar.

The moment became just pure perfection. Two unrelated souls just doing what their heart desired.

I hear music of the cities sometimes.

This was not music in my ears but it was the connection and creation of the city with its people. It is truly hard to put into words, but moments like this one make me connected even to the cities, even if I feel as not belonging in them.

by Categories: Scottish soul, Stories from EdinburghTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

New 101 things in 1001 days (2023 start)

After a decade of not coming back to this list, living life through various struggles and valuable experiences, I came back learning that without even knowing I have completed some of the goals I have set up for myself 10 years ago. I haven’s completed many, but there is never too late they say 😊

Some of the goals I do not wish to complete anymore and I am glad I have never done so as I became a different person with different dreams and hopes. Here is my new list of 101 things to be completed in 1001 days. Maybe I will complete them, maybe I never come back to this list for a decade again and maybe I loose interest in some, but today I can certainly say these are dreams reflecting who I have become until today, dreams what are in back of my head from very early days and dreams what are more coming from the heart rather then mind.

Some are more practical, some are truly inner desires and some are try-outs I might enjoy. Let’s see about this one in 2026.

Start: 7.7.2023

Finnish: 3.4.2026

  1. Live in mountains in a cottage/small house
  2. Have a dog or cat
  3. Have a pet bird
  4. Get back to horseback riding
  5. Build therapy/wellbeing centre with horses
  6. Run a marathon
  7. Run a half marathon
  8. Run an (ultra) trail marathon
  9. Build successful private practice
  10. Make long distance hikes in Scotland/UK
  11. Make long distance hike elsewhere
  12. Live on my own
  13. Keep the blog running (1 blog every week)
  14. Keep video creating regularly (2x a month new video or more often)
  15. Make another art exhibition
  16. Finnish ‘events of the world’ exhibition
  17. Keep stable close group of friends
  18. Visit different continent
  19. Camp on my own
  20. Live in a lighthouse
  21. Have a garden
  22. Live minimalistic life constantly – meaning make constant steps to live one
  23. Go to a guided expedition through mountains somewhere in the world
  24. Visit Tibet
  25. Visit Canada
  26. Create a herb first aid kit
  27. Have a herbs garden
  28. Have motorbike driving licence
  29. Buy canon camera and make a lot of photographs
  30. Finnish started book
  31. Learn new habits (20)
  32. Read 5 spanish books
  33. Experience sunrise and sunset in one day
  34. Go do snowboarding in High Tatras and Alps
  35. Start penpals again and regularly exchange letters
  36. Go to a dance school/class
  37. No more bread in my diet (or only little part)
  38. Go to have a massage
  39. Have an earing on the top of my ear
  40. Loose weight to 55kg
  41. Start learning playing piano
  42. Start learning playing violin again
  43. Read all the books in my library what I have not read yet
  44. Write a letter to myself what I think will happen in 5 years
  45. Answer all the 50 questions that will free your mind http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/
  46. See aurora
  47. Find out 100 things what make me happy
  48. Do fruit day once a week for a year
  49. Do fasting at least one day
  50. Learn Scottish accent
  51. Visit Prater in Vienna
  52. Try surfing
  53. Do hiking in Czech Krkonose hills
  54. See the top of the hill ‘Krivan’ in High Tatras without being pushed going back because of weather
  55. Don’t eat sweets for half a year
  56. Learn official First Aid
  57. Organise all email addresses
  58. Make for someone breakfast in bed
  59. Finnish drawing book from Oihane
  60. Put together book with art activities for children
  61. Climb Ben Nevis in Scotland
  62. Create a counselling workshop
  63. Own a horse
  64. Try housesitting
  65. Finnish reading ‘The Artists Way’ book
  66. Do yoga regularly
  67. Do regularly outdoor military training for 3 months
  68. Have enough money every month without turning every coin
  69. Get a new tattoo related to Scotland
  70. Get another tattoo related to ouroboros
  71. Learn pois that I can actually do them with a song
  72. Visit a new state
  73. Stay in a Bothy
  74. Do a birthday Trip
  75. Do a road trip
  76. Safe money for a car
  77. Read a classic novel I have never read
  78. Finnish singing classes
  79. Become fluent in Spanish again – find someone you can speak regularly Spanish with
  80. Do 7 days unplug
  81. Learn legs split
  82. Walk Santiago de Compostela for a month
  83. Have passive income
  84. Paint/draw every day
  85. Find lost creativity and touch with art
  86. Visit African Safari
  87. Sing and play guitar on the street
  88. Sing and play guitar on an open mic
  89. Go on holidays with my parents
  90. Travel across Slovakia (on my own or with my parents)
  91. Go to Barcelona see my friend (possibly meet all 4 of us?)
  92. Meet Oihane either in Scotland or Spain
  93. Go to a wellness retreat
  94. Find a way how to live in mountains maybe sustainable small house/cottage
  95. Write regularly articles/blogs/fiction/poems
  96. Make my will
  97. Get an apple pc where I can create videos
  98. Go to a concert of a world famous interpret (or someone I like)
  99. Finnish one of the sketchbooks
  100. Find my own ultimate clothes style
  101. Feel proud finishing all or some of the 101 things and create new 101 things in 1001 days  list
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101 things in 1001 days

It has been ten years. Interestingly my old list of things I would like to do in 1001 days started coming back to me. I wrote this at a time when I was still living in Slovakia, but was soon leaving to Scotland.

It has been ten years since I came here.

Ten beautiful years, but as well ten years of a lot of hardship and struggles. I could easily say it has been the most difficult decade of my life so far, but same time most growing, exiting, life-changing. I would likely think the same about the decade before, but looking back those were more stable times at least from the outside, those were times when I was getting ready for this roller-coaster of feelings, emotions, decisions and realisations, changing my entire life journey completely, leaving behind what did not work, figuring out what does work and who I really am.

My old blog was a tiny reflection of my true self and 101 things in 1001 days were mostly reflections of who I truly am. As much I tried to be someone else during that time, it still leaked out in the blog and they still stayed with me until today, throughout all those changes.

I still love nature, horseback riding (even though I don’t do that one now), running, camping, little things.

Looking back at the list, there are things I have achieved without even knowing, but there are definitely ones I am still due to do and some I do not want anymore. Going through the list feels somewhat exiting and surprising.

The list was meant to be finished in 2016, but here we are in 2023 with a lot still go on.

I guess it is a great reminder of keeping our dreams alive, helping our inner child, teen or young adult be themselves and be seen. It is certainly what I feel going through the list, seeing my younger self full of doubts and anxieties trying to survive, trying to fit in and be seen, trying to be themselves.

It was difficult.

It still is at times, but I am more confident in my own skin then I have ever been, even though this new skin is something I have never thought I would become.

About that maybe another time.

I do not want to do 100 things in 1000 days anymore, but I do want to have a reminder of dreams and hopes towards the future. Have some sort of clarity where I am heading and want to get to. I want to make it 100 in roughly 10 years, but this can be shorter or longer as we never really know where the life will take us.

I am definitely on such crossroad these days, trying to leave Edinburgh in past few years, yet is seems like it just does not want to let me go. So let’s make a new list today in July of 2023, maybe finished in 2033 or maybe serve as an inspiration for another decade. I guess I want it to be living and changing list and not strictly rigid. Sometimes some goals and interests change in time and so I would like it to be living thing in case this happens.

So this was my original list. Let’s have a look what I have achieved (crossed) and what I do not want to achieve anymore (bold cursive):

Start: 17.4.2013

Finnish: 5.2.2016 (extended to 2023)

1.         My own photo with every blog post

2.        Create a herb first aid kit

3.       Finnish law degree

4.       Go study abroad

5.       Learn whole metallica ‘nothing else matters’ on guitar

6.       Go horseback riding 20 times

7.      Have motorbike driving licence  

8.      Buy canon and make a lot of photographs (as well without)  

9.       Create blog on wordpress

10.   Write e-book

11.    Finnish started book

12.    Go again out to a club and have a lot of fun, dance till the morning and reset

13.    Minimalism at least in one aspect of life

14.   Learn new habits (20)

15.   Learn french

16.   Read 5 spanish books

17.   Read 5 english books

18.   Experience sunrise and sunset in one day

19.   Be part of a movment ‘give a hug’

20.   Meditate every day

21.   Go do snowboarding in High Tatras and Alps

22.   Go to a pub where they have at least 5 different kinds of beer and try them all

23.   Donate some of your things

24.   Take out dogs from a shelter

25.   Create 10 items with glass painting

26.   Read 4 agreements – working book and implement them to life

27.   Read the whole Bible

28.   Go for few weeks/months course of foreign language abroad

29.   Start penpals again and regularly exchange letters

30.   Run every day

31.   Be human rights activist

32.   Do yoga

33.   Go to a dance school/class

34.   No more bread in my diet (or only little part)

35.   Design my room according FengShui

36.   Add books to ‘Knihobežník’ (network of books places around Slovakia where people are leaving books for others on random places)

37.   Go to have a thai massage

38.   Finnish the album from my birthday

39.   Start a photoalbum for me and my boyfriend

40.   Start recycling in our kitchen

41.   Let a proffesisonal take photos of me

42.   Meet my friends at least once a month

43.   Have an earing on the top of my ear

44.   Add more to my tattoo on back

45.   Go first time to a cosmetic centre

46.   Loose weight to 55kg

47.   Learn to walk in high hills

48.   Camping by the lake with fire

49. Finnish all the articles for the blog 

50.   Go to see Christmas market in Vienna

51.   Start learning playing piano

52.   Learn music notes again

53.   Learn how to tie a tie

54.   Go to a romantic holidays

55.   Travel part of Slovakia/Czech republic on motorbike

56.   Read all the books in my library what I have not read yet

57.   Write a letter to myself what I think will happen in 5 years

58.   Sleep under the stars with my boyfriend

59.   Answer all the 50 questions that will free your mind http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

60.   See aurora

61.   Write all bad memories and throw them to the fire

62.   Find out 100 things what make me happy

63.   Read 50 books

64.   Visit at least one different continent

65.   Have a dinner with candles

66.   Put a lock with my boyfriend in one of the Europe cities

67.   Do complete detox of liver and gut

68.   Create my own cooking book

69.   Go fishing

70.   See 10 different states

71.   Finish bachelor degree on AAdT

72.   Do IELTS in English

73.   Do fruit day once a week

74.   Do fasting at least one day

75.   Try sushi

76.   Teach someone something

77.   At least one day don’t judge anyone and anything

78.   Learn Scottish accent

79.   Make my blog public under my own name on FB

80.   Visit Vienna Prater

81.   Go on a boat on the lake

82.   Try surfing

83.   Go see world singer concert

84.   Do hiking in Czech Krkonose hills

85.   See the top of the hill ‘Krivan’ in High Tatras without being pushed going back because of weather

86.   Don’t eat sweets for half a year

87.   Learn detox/natural healing/self-awareness (be a master at least in one)

88.   Do exercise of 5 Tibetans every morning

89.   Learn official First Aid

90.   Keep doing GTD method and planning every day

91.   Say NO without feeling guilty

92.   Try to write for printed magazine/newspaper or something

93.   Write 200 articles

94.   Organise all email addresses

95.   Get rid of half of my room stuff

96.   Become independent from my parents

97.   Make for someone breakfast to bed

98.   Fullfill someone’s wish

99.   Be completely healthy

100.Have enough money every month without turning every coin

101. Create human rights blog

Sneak peak into the golas/dreams in next article…

by Categories: 1001 things in 101 days, Life growing soulTags: , , , , , Leave a comment

Visiting Slovakia after pandemic

It has been few years, it has been a weird time, time we almost don’t remember anymore.

Getting on a plane, leaving isolation we so got used to was not an easy task. It has been first time I haven’t been back in Slovakia for few years and it did feel loong. It felt overwhelming coming back too, emotions I was not ready to have, people I was not ready to see, because everything was too much.

Yet once I crossed the door of my parents house I knew this is going to be a nice time together. And so it was. We made multiple trips to forest to pick up mushrooms, we did some little hikes, we just spent time together and I enjoyed and took in every single moment, walk and memory, because we never know when they are going to be last.

That was surely what pandemic thought me, we just never know and it can happen from one day to another, suddenly. I still cannot travel more often due to finances and life struggle, but at least I am trying to enjoy the times I am there as much I can.

These are memories I want to cherish, simple things, simple moments.

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Magical scottish bike

There was a time when I was poor and broke.

Every day life became difficult I had to be mindful about my spendings I had to walk to work 45minutes instead of getting a bus, just to safe not even two pounds.

This period brought some other things into my life. I had to become even more flexible then ever before and so I have started doing deliveries on my bike. Bike what was standing in the hallway for good few years without me using it much. Me who haven’t been doing much of exercise than walking 45min to and 45min back from work.

And so I have started doing deliveries.

The first ones took me forever. If there was a hill it was way too long, but no one has ever complained. I guess they felt sorry for me. My bike became my best friend as without it I would not be able to have some additional income. It saved me. Patiently waiting for me to pick it up from the realm of forgetfulness of its existence. I thought of selling it so many times, but something inside me always said ‘wait you might need it one day’.

And so I waited.

We rode the roads of Edinburgh together, learnt to ride with big buses and cars on the road. I became so fit that I was riding bike absolutely everywhere, felt the freedom wen speeding down the hills of Edinburgh and satisfaction when reaching the tops of the uphill streets.

Until one day I arrived home from yet another delivering trip hoped off the bike and suddenly gear with chain just dropped on the floor.

I knew this was beyond my capabilities to repair it. Just about that time I changed my job and I was not in immediate need of money. I always felt as if the bike has waited until I am okay and secure. I was mesmerized by the fact that the gear fell not on the bumpy road when I was speeding down the hill and what would cause me severe injury if not worse but exactly in the moment when I got off the bike. I had tears in my eyes how grateful I was this little unalive fella ‘waited’ until I am sound and safe back home. I felt obligated to at least try to reappear it and so I took it into the bike shop. Seeing surprise in guys faces operating the shop how I survived riding such bike I knew this was the end of our journey together. Getting it fixed would cost me way too much money what I was not able to pay.

I took the purple friend into the downstair bike cupboard where he sat for another year.

Broken.

I just was not ready to give him up.

He saved my life. He was with me throughout the most difficult time when comes to financial situation. Until the right time came.

I woke up one morning and walked with bike by my site to the bike station where I donated it for repair or parts purposes. It still can be useful for someone and it still can make a difference in someone elses life as it did in mine.

I cried when I left the shop.

I felt so silly.

Why am I crying after a thing what is not even alive?

It saved me when I was in my worse and without it I would never make it to the other side.

It was there patiently waiting until time came and I needed to figure out how to earn some extra money.

And It waited until I was not riding it to actually break that I am left uninjured and okay.

Despite more likely possible coincidence these all events happened I will remember my first Scottish bike to be more special than just a thing used for moving from one point to another. For me it was somewhat magical keeping me safe and helping me in my darkest times. It thought me there is always a way even if hard and uncomfortable, but there is always a way.

I will always remember you my little purple wheel friend.

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I lost my smell

I cannot smell anything. Who would of thought this would be an issue.

Past few days I am shaking hands with covid possibly for a first time. Although I believe I had it at the very start when no one knew what it was as I thought I am going to die. Worst flu in my life. But this time I have been tested and I definitely have it. Surprisingly it was worse than what I would expect after such long circulation within society, but I do meet people on daily basis so who knows how many different doses have I got.

But back to the smell. It is so annoying.

I make a coffee at the morning and I can not smell it. I think I have never realised until now how smells are big part of my every day life, how they alter my mental state. Smell of fresh grounded coffee just starts the day.

I can not smell the laundry, floury smell of new tried detergent.

I can not smell if I need a shower. What one could get used to if other people around couldn’t smell either 😀 I can not enjoy smell of the parfume I put on at the morning.

I can not smell the fresh breeze through a window or I can not calm myself down to sleep with some lavender in aroma lamp.

Honestly it feels as a torture and thinking I might not get my smell back hunts me.

All those little things we smell on everyday basis and either improve or deteriorate our mood and they are all gone.

I make food but I can not smell it, it honestly take away a huge part of the experience even though my taste is still there for now.

I truly wish to smell the flowers once again.

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Struggles of an Artist – it has been a Year

Observing the world, being an artist. I guess that is what I always felt to be, yet I find it so difficult in our nowadays world. Was it always this way, did the artists of past struggle similar way? Not to have time to do art, just be and observe? Never ending loop of bills to be paid, responsibilities and people to be attended, moving constantly somewhere learn and do more. If only about art I wouldn’t mind but it is almost everywhere I go. In every job I do, do more, learn more, take more.

I truly struggle balance it.

Maybe it is me, as I have decided to go 2 paths not only one. I want to be an artist but as well a counsellor. Can I be both? What about the rest of the jobs I do to pay bills. Than come people into my life snatching my time. Maybe when I finish the course finally, but then I need to set my practice and again more work to do.

Sometimes I wish for day to have 48 hours and for me to have endless energy, because sometimes I am just tired. Tired to do anything, just watch a tv and rest. Should I pick up a brush in these times? Force myself to draw or paint even if there is no energy left?

I don’t know.

It feels as maybe that is exactly what I need to do.

Despite my classes twice a week I just don’t create. No video, no drawings, no paintings, no guitar. My life last year became work, studies and close people. Is that it? What about that calling within, what about it? How to fit it in? Should I go study art instead of counselling?

Maybe.

But if I would I wouldn’t become an artist in the first place, I wouldn’t face my demons who inspired me but as well were slowly destroying me. I would never make my first exhibition and I would probably struggle to this day to really start doing something with my art. My counselling practice helps me to move forward, uncover yet another layer of myself, because I need to understand, need to know.

Because everything connects to each other, us people in between each other, but as well us within ourselves.

Everything has its purpose, its place. Things connect within each other and within environment, places, seasons, areas, buildings, elements. Everything connects and this connection doesn’t let me not to move forward. Always there is this need to understand or if not understand to at least observe, capture.

Sometimes I wander what exactly am I doing? As my whole life is observing, letting go of, capturing, starting new, moving, living. I guess that’s the whole point. I don’t think that we need to pick up any career or path, we don’t need to become something, label a box where others can fit us in. We just need to live, let the life move us towards the destiny we are supposed to live. It is challenging at first. Trust the life.

But I am realising that the whole experience makes sense.

Years of inspiration exchanged for years of work and responsibilities. We can always decide to change something if it doesn’t serve us anymore. I am slowly changing again finishing one thing in order to start something else connected but different, finding always space for creativity, for art, even if that means only once a week. I need to make sure it is there that the hand practices with brush and chalk, that I process throughout visual art making, that all I do, experience and create becomes a part of the process towards the one or few final pieces. I can feel them within, but I do not know yet what they are going to be. I am getting there though and I know they will emerge one day in this life. I just can’t step off the path I stepped on few years back and I need to keep moving creative way.

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Little things to see in Scotland

It has been a while…

How it happened it is 6 months into a new year?

I haven´t created for so long and so came a little project in my way. My flatmate asked if I would like to participate in his show with some creation of sorts.

That was a final push I needed and I created short video not about learnings of past year, but as well about beautiful places around Scotland.

Overview of times in Scotland, overview of past years and if there is possibility to find inspiration even is such challenging times we live in. It is funny realising that even in places we go to so often they are changing every day all it takes is for us to open our eyes, quiet our mind and be present.

I haven´t left Edinburgh in past year and all got to explore were close by hills. Any other time I would be wanting to travel further and explore, but it wasn´t really possible in the past year. How grateful I am I got the chance explore the hills in all seasons in all times of the day. Every single time I went it was a different experience which I enjoyed very much.

Come to have a little look with me what not only so well-known Scottish nature can offer.

To see the whole show where the video was part of go here: https://fb.me/e/3AemXF78O

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Unpredictable weather in Scotland…be ready to be prepared

When I moved to Scotland one thing I haven´t understood was why people talk so much about the weather. How it is outside how it is supposed to be later in a day and if this prediction will be accurate.

´Always have a jacket with you even if it is sunny outside,´ my friend would advice me.

Few mistakes later getting soaked in the rain what came out of nowhere down from clearly blue sky I learnt my lessen. It was not unusual that there would be rain in the part of the town where I live yet sunny not only on the other side of Edinburgh, but even in the next neighbourhood.  

One day my parents came to visit me.

´I don´t need to take my jacket it´s sunny outside´

´Dad take the jacket with you it might rain´

´But it´s sunny outside´

Few hours later…

´What the heck is this weather here I am putting jacket on and off like crazy.´

I had to bite my tongue not to say ´I told you so´

Scottish weather is truly very unpredictable. One day I have experienced 4 seasons. Actually more then only one day.  I guess in time one gets used to or at least convince themselves they got used to. Last winter I tried a little upgrade to better cope with windy cold weather. I´ve started doing cold showers firstly every day later every now and then and seams as I don´t mind the cold that much outside anymore. I can´t say the same about people around me unless they are Scottish, they´re resistance to cold I certainly haven´t achieved yet. Going out to the hills in late November, maybe it was already December and my friend coming out of the building in only shirt and fleece in his hands.

´Aren’t you going to be cold?´ me asking covered in winter jacket wrapped up with scarf.

´I have the fleece and the hat. I´ll be fine.´

Seeing children on their day trips in the town during the winter and them wearing only a jumper, girls wearing skirts without tights suddenly makes total sense. First time seeing this I was little shocked, but I guess that is exactly the way how you build the resistance to cold.

Spring is here now the wind is still a bit cold though. We still can´t sit inside of café, so morning coffee on the bench with freezing cold wind is not always delightful, yet there is something about it. Certainly something one will remember. ´Do you remember when we had that coffee on a bench in freezing cold?´ Maybe different memory then ´Remember when we got that cocktail on the sunny beach,´ yet still somewhat special 🙂

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Scotland Winter Wonderland

And Winter came…the winter has been very kind to us this winter. It has been the most snow I have experienced here in the past years. It has been only time I have experienced snow here in Christmas time. It is almost as a nature would give us a little present a reward for times spent at home, not travelling, not meeting friends and family or going to life music or other inside winter time events. Snow came unexpectedly and brought a joy to (for many) more and more grey days. I certainly felt a joy of a child when snow came. There were people playing snowball fights on streets in early morning hours, just enjoying the moment, the present. Joy of being allowed to experience cold white snowflakes on the cheeks. Going to snowy hills was certainly a little miracle of this Christmas. Beautiful sunsets and beautiful sunrises. People enjoying themselves in the safe hug of the nature.

Not long ago I was worried how these winter months will be. I promised myself to find something nice about them, because they can be here quite dark, sad and difficult. And this year without possibility to meet much or go visit family they could be even more difficult. But I was wrong. This winter is one of the happiest I have ever had. Very different, yet that makes it special I guess. So many surprising and unexpected beautiful moments and joy in little simple things. Come with me to have a look how the winter in Scotland can look like.

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Running half marathon this year

Beside the fact that my mum used to say I loved running as a kid next to her bicycle when going to local grocery store, I have never been a runner. I did okey running in school, but never really thought of running as ‘my’ thing. There always been better ones and I didn’t necessary found a passion and enjoyment in it at that age. It took three decades for me to start some serious running.

The process was slow. I have started with podcast building up to 5k. What was meant to be achieved in 9 weeks took me six months. Starting and stopping, weeks of breaks in between and coming back to the beginnings. Part of me stopped believing in myself or the fact I can actually achieve something. Sometimes it takes just one big traumatic experience to reach rock bottom, other times it takes hundreds of little comments, little ugly actions from outside world and some significant verbal or emotional abuse to reach the point where one looses confidence in themselves.

Beside therapy, serious looking inside of myself and reframing my view of the world running became a final tool pulling me out of dark years of recovery from difficult relationship. I decided, not consciously at a time, to take my life back and start to be writer of my story again. Fighting with inner demons which were over and over pulling me away from keeping up with running I reached my first 5k running. It was an incredible feeling of achievement as I have never done such thing before. My body felt good, my mind clearer and sense of happiness started accompany my days once again.

Over the years I stopped running and picked it up again, similarly as my first 5k podcast done over 6 months rather then 9 weeks. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Today I know I will always be able pick it up. Even though I need to come back a little I will get there if I keep running.

I signed up for my first 5k running race in 2022. I almost gave up a night before. Old familiar voice creeped in once again, trying to persuade me what a fool I am to thinking I can run a race in my thirties. I felt very stressed out and cried my eyes out experiencing serious meltdown until I finally fell asleep. I wished to have there someone to support me, but my close people either weren’t available or didn’t know I even signed up or they just simply decided it is not worth it to be standing an hour by the fence and cheer me up. I was upset about it, but it was one of those moments when I had to decide to cheer myself up and not to be waiting for someone doing such thing for me. As much I wanted to share this experience with someone close I was doing it for myself after all.

What an experience!

I was on the cloud. The cheers from strangers around, the energy within running crowd. We were all there to run and so we did…up the hill…lake…views of the sea and down around Arthur Seat…last few meters…I’ve made it! My first race ever.

I want to experience this again.

So I signed up for my 10k in October.

Summers are hard for running. The air becomes more humid and I find it difficult. Every year I stop running somewhere during the summer. I never run 10k in October as I was not able to train for it. I have learned to deal with ‘failure’ by now and reframe it into something else. I was just not ready yet. I signed up for 10k run in May of next year. As it started approaching I tried my best to train, but as usual it is not always as easy as one would like. By the time the run came I still haven’t run full 10k, I was maybe on 7k, but I decided going anyway.

What an experience once again! The energy, the crowd, the achievement.

My first 10k! And I run the whole time. I was exhausted after but full of endorphins as well. This time I could share the experience with a friend, so it made it even more special.

I want more of this!

Half Marathon it is next year.

I gave myself a goal of one race every year as more might be a bit too much at the moment. There is only few months left at the time I am writing this. By now I have reached my 5k as I stopped running for about 2.5 months in summer, as usual. I am doing bridge to 10k at the moment and hopefully I will manage my longest run before Half Marathon. If I manage this it might mean I’m running the full marathon next year. But let’s not get ahead of myself.

Slowly, but I’m getting there!

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101 things in 1001 days breakdown

I picked few of the points from the list ‘101 things in 1001 days’ I would like to talk about. Bold and cursive are the once I have never managed to do, but don’t feel the need of keeping them on the new list. Crossed once are those I managed to do in the past decade.

Create a herb first aid kit

This could be as well herb garden, but not only for food but as well for medical reasons. Back in Slovakia I used to go pick up herbs. I loved it. I haven’t done such a thing here in Scotland beside few rare occasions of wild garlic picking. The reason is I don’t have house, I live in a flat where not even kitchen is my own. That means I have no space to dry herbs over few months as I used to do back in my parents house. I would love to be able one day have my own herbs first aid kit as there is so many herbs what can help instead of pills. One day. This goal is staying.

Finnish law degree

Yeah I have done this one. What a torture that was. Thinking today about my own neurodiversity and about back then anxiety I honestly don’t know how I made myself to go through that. Having a knowledge what I have now I was severely stressed and likely even depressed, because law studies was truly the unhappiest time of my life. I didn’t want to quit so I finished my degree, but I have never worked or ever want to work in law field once I done so. I went completely opposite direction since then and finally I am happy.

Buy canon camera and make a lot of photographs (as well without)  

This has been a dream of so many years. Of course I take photos, but I do not own and never owned a proper camera. I am not sure this will leave me ever. This dream is staying.

Go again out to a club and have a lot of fun, dance till the morning and reset

When I was creating this list in 2013 my life felt as the end of it. I was studying serious carrier I was in quite serious although unhappy relationship and it felt as all those young years of fun and dance and such are all gone. I was not ready to give them up yet. Not long after I came here I had my second puberty for a while enjoying the dancing, late returns to home and lot of fun once again. Looking back I needed it, but same time I sure was dealing with some dark stuff. I certainly was not warned what a toll a toxicity can take on self. I am not a party animal anymore, neither I want to be, but the reset after so many stressful years, I sure did need that.

Minimalism at least in one aspect of life

Well okay. I did cross this one as after many year only recently I started digging into minimalism once again. I did Marie Kondo method in the tiny space I live in hoping I get to even more minimalistic life. Slowly but surely. There is still long way to go, but I sure have much less posetions and if I manage to move one day what I have now and even less should be all I own as I struggle having too many things around.

 Learn French

It is not entirely off list for the future, but I am taking it off the list at the moment. Firstly I would like to learn back Spanish as I forgot a lot of it and maybe one day in the future French would be back on the table. I am not passionate much about languages I have to say, never has been, but it is sure good to know few.

Meditate every day

I have crossed this one off even though I don’t sit to meditation every day. I came to believe and realisation that meditation can be every day life and every single action we do. So I am mostly focused on that, be present in what I am doing be content with what ever is happening and if I am not then observe from observer point of view. I believe that is real meditation.

 Go to a pub where they have at least 5 different kinds of beer and try them all

Being in Scotland this is not a hard one specially after 10 years. There sure are places where I have been so many times I did try more than 5 beers in them.

Read the whole Bible

Even though this might look like as a pretty religious goal it has never been. I find bible or Koran or any religious text fascinating. Well I used to find. There is lot of truths written and there sure was time I wanted to understand them. I guess throughout life and experiences I diverted from this view as I found truths within myself and books as Bible stopped being so fascinating to me. Given the fact they might not be really truthfully written even though the truth is still in them. I don’t  feel a need to read a Bible anymore as I believe the life experience is the ultimate teaching.

Run every day

Okay I am not yet on every day mark but I sure run much more than I have ever done before. I am not even sure if every day is a goal as I can see my legs are prone to injuries if I run too much.

Design my room according to FengShui

This is definitely getting off the list as my belief system changed massively. Despite the fact that I believe Feng Shui works, I don’t believe we are meant to manipulate anything in our life to our benefit. If we do it naturally as something what just comes to us in the moment I see that as a destiny as something what needs to happen, but if we consciously are making steps towards it than we are not trusting the universal order of things. This is way more philosophical and spiritual debate to have then compress it into few sentences, but this is just not what I aspire for anymore.

Meet my friends at least once a month

Seeing this one I have realised that I must have been pretty lonely back then. I had almost zero time, there were either studies or family demands or my relationship struggles. There was no time for myself or for my friends, I was progressively more and more isolated, my anxiety and stress going through the roof. I did not know how to talk to my friends about my relationship and I could not see how damaging it was to any of my worth and self-esteem. This one is sort of a sad one, seeing I even had a need to write it down.

Add more to my tattoo on the back

I am taking this off only because I want to change it to something else still related.

Learn to walk in high hills

I kind of have to laugh about this one. Not that I don’t find high hills pretty, I do, but I certainly have no need of wearing them anymore. Thank god. Reading this I can see the massive change I did by growing up into adulthood. Haha.

Camping by the lake with fire

I have done this multiple times in the past years. Again looking back I was doing nothing what I enjoy and everything what I thought I was supposed to and  should. What a waste of precious time and energy. There certainly are things we need to do to live and earn money to pay our bills and such, but beside that we should be doing things what mean something to us, things we want to do and not only doing them, because we were once told we should or are supposed to. I am in the midst of my life and I don’t want to give my energy to things and people what are dragging me down, where I don’t feel joy and love and what are meaningless to me only because someone else consider them being meaningful. It is time to live my life and be myself.

Learn music notes again

I still don’t remember them all but I can play some again. I am not sure I will ever be able to come to playing by the notes the same way as I used to.

Write all bad memories and throw them to the fire

I think I diverted from all this ritualistic nonsense. Don’t get me wrong there are times we might need exactly this as that is only way we can make peace and bring some sort of closure to what was not dealt with before or was not allowed to be expressed. But I have never get around doing so and I don’t feel a need for it anymore either. I did dealt with so many things in the past years to the point of acceptance that they did happen and I can not erase them I felt through them all let all what was needed out about them, that I finally feel more comfortable in my own skin. All the hurt I experienced, hatred and bad experiences from others was released by feeling it all. I don’t need to burn anything anymore.

Create my own cooking book

As older I am getting as less joy I find in cooking. It is a need to do, necessity for our body to function, but I have never really felt any sort of passion in relation to food. I have a little pad with some recipes, where I am planning to be adding more just to have few meals I can rotate over and over :D, but this is just not something I feel passionate about at all.

Go fishing

This used to be an activity I always connected with peacefulness. I still might enjoy it, but I don’t have such a need for it anymore as it is surely more present in my life by doing all sort of different activities what keep my soul calm(er).

Teach someone something

I am crossing this one as in past 10 years I have certainly thought someone something. From making coffee to help them find way how to live more content life. There were jobs with children, there were deep talks and sharing wisdom. As little I recognise I actually did teach a lot someone something.

Go see world singer concert

There was only one in past 10 years, but I surely loved it to the bits. Feeling the energy of the full stadium, laughs and dances. It was an experience never to be forgotten.

Learn detox/natural healing/self-awareness (be a master at least in one)

I have crossed this one out, not because I became a master. I do not think there is possibility to be a master in any of these as it is life long learning, but when comes to self-awareness I have undertook extensive journey into depths of my own core by becoming a professional in this sort of field. Layer by layer uncovering and exposing to myself, feeling and healing. The journey is not finished and I don’t think ever will be, but the last decade was all about self-awareness.

Do exercise of 5 Tibetans every morning

5 Tibetans are great, but I would be happy if I would just do some yoga in the mornings or even 5 Tibetans, but I don’t want to be this specific anymore. Morning exercise in realms of yoga and similar would be good.

Keep doing GTD method and planning every day

I have no idea what this one is anymore. It was related to productivity and organising. I don’t think I am that ambitious anymore, in fact I am trying to get into more ‘go with the flow’ and ‘procrastinate sometimes’ state, because that is where creativity is born.

Try to write for printed magazine/newspaper or something

If I would stay in Slovakia I might be a journalist today. I have left an offer to become a writer for fast growing online portal and one of the most known in Slovakia today when comes to education, when I was leaving for Scotland. I often come back to pondering what my life would of look like if I would take that job and stayed. It could be very different to the one I have now, but maybe I would end up exactly in the same place. I have no regrets. As much my young self wanted to be uncovering truth and help with ‘right’ narrative I am glad I did not get stuck in that way of thinking and am able today see more colours than just black and white.

Be completely healthy

I don’t think this is even an achievable goal so I am taking this off. I was slightly obsessed with health back then, what was coming from my own anxiety. I am glad I don’t have that anymore and if sick, than I am sick, I will heal or I will not. Beside taking care of our diet and exercise I don’t think we have much of a control over this.

Create human rights blog

Coming back to strong justice feeling I used to have. I used to see it being my purpose. Change the world. How wrong I was and how proud I was. The world is exactly as it is meant to be and I just play tiny little part in its perfect. I am not here to save or change anything or anyone, but myself.

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