Category: Life growing soul

The roles we play

To do whatever is required of you in any situation without it becoming a role that you identify with is an essential lesson in the art of living that each one of us is here to learn.

– Echart Tolle

I guess on of the reasons I have an artist block is exactly this. One of the reasons I find difficult to be a counsellor is exactly this. It is difficult to not identify with a role. I see myself as an artist in very different way as is usually considered to be. I create art, because there are feelings and emotions sometimes so overwhelming that I have to get them out as I would go crazy otherwise. I think in creation, I see colours and sunsets and buildings and shapes and patterns and I think how can I immerse myself in it, how can I become it. I tried practice and schedule my art, I tried to become better in technique and ‘think’ about the art I am creating, but if I do that it just never works. As a counsellor I tried to structure my counselling, I tried to think about what are the next possible steps for my clients to take, I tried to think of best possible plan, but that never works. My best creation and arty stuff was when I stopped thinking, when I became the picture I was creating, when I stopped doing and just was. Something created thorugh me.

My best sessions with clients and times when something changed was when I actually had no idea what we are doing and just let it happen. I just maintained the simple rules of safety and just let it happen. I found it difficult then to explain what is going on in the sessions, but I knew they worked even if it did not seam like at the start. As if something talked through me and delivered to the person whatever it was they were meant to hear.

I am coming to conclusion that we are not meant to do, we are just meant to be. I am not an artist. I am not a counsellor. I just am and that’s all and enough. Yet I find it very hard, because we do not live in world and society where this is accepted. As a counsellor I have to have a process and reason for things I do, but sometimes I just do them, because they just feel right in the moment. As an artist I am meant to practice and become better, capture whatever I am capturing. But sometimes I have no idea how and why I choose the colours, the subject or the scene.

Or are these just a constructs of our own mind?

I always saw art as the freest thing. Place where one can channel everything and no one cares how it looks. Andy Warhol once said that

‘You just create art and let people decide what they think of it, you just create.’

I love this perspective. It is stripped of all the judgment from one self, of need for success, need to be recognised, need to stand out. You just create, you just are and let it come through you. Yet all these people had a tough lives, they even haven’t been the nicest people or handled all the most correct way. But they were creators, they were innovators and they just were what ever that meant.

I am scared to be this person. There is so much risk involved, yet if I am not that then who am I?

My entire life has been balancing in between who I want to be and who I should be. Many would say it is because of my upbringing, because of the believes I have adopted in this physical form and they would be mostly correct, but what if it doesn’t matter? What if whatever life I am meant to live just has to be lived? What if I can just get a ride along and see the experience?

Sometimes I wonder how we are so aspiring for own freedom and independence, but yet we are trapped in our own world of criticism and shoulds  and believes what are far away from any real freedom. We judge and think how others should be and should live their lives. We even adopt these roles and personas where we have to maintain certain standards to be us. It seams to be such an illusion of what is really reality.

Sometimes I just want to run and escape. I just want to live far away from everyone and everything. There were times I wanted to die and leave this earth.

I feel as I am on the edge of not adapting the role anymore and just be, yet I always become ‘something’  and then I leave it and run away to next thing just to be able not identify with whatever the role is. So I never really get anywhere, I don’t achieve anything and I am starting to think, that it is exactly what is needed.

I just want to be.

by Categories: Artistic Soul, Life growing soulTags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

New 101 things in 1001 days (2023 start)

After a decade of not coming back to this list, living life through various struggles and valuable experiences, I came back learning that without even knowing I have completed some of the goals I have set up for myself 10 years ago. I haven’s completed many, but there is never too late they say 😊

Some of the goals I do not wish to complete anymore and I am glad I have never done so as I became a different person with different dreams and hopes. Here is my new list of 101 things to be completed in 1001 days. Maybe I will complete them, maybe I never come back to this list for a decade again and maybe I loose interest in some, but today I can certainly say these are dreams reflecting who I have become until today, dreams what are in back of my head from very early days and dreams what are more coming from the heart rather then mind.

Some are more practical, some are truly inner desires and some are try-outs I might enjoy. Let’s see about this one in 2026.

Start: 7.7.2023

Finnish: 3.4.2026

  1. Live in mountains in a cottage/small house
  2. Have a dog or cat
  3. Have a pet bird
  4. Get back to horseback riding
  5. Build therapy/wellbeing centre with horses
  6. Run a marathon
  7. Run a half marathon
  8. Run an (ultra) trail marathon
  9. Build successful private practice
  10. Make long distance hikes in Scotland/UK
  11. Make long distance hike elsewhere
  12. Live on my own
  13. Keep the blog running (1 blog every week)
  14. Keep video creating regularly (2x a month new video or more often)
  15. Make another art exhibition
  16. Finnish ‘events of the world’ exhibition
  17. Keep stable close group of friends
  18. Visit different continent
  19. Camp on my own
  20. Live in a lighthouse
  21. Have a garden
  22. Live minimalistic life constantly – meaning make constant steps to live one
  23. Go to a guided expedition through mountains somewhere in the world
  24. Visit Tibet
  25. Visit Canada
  26. Create a herb first aid kit
  27. Have a herbs garden
  28. Have motorbike driving licence
  29. Buy canon camera and make a lot of photographs
  30. Finnish started book
  31. Learn new habits (20)
  32. Read 5 spanish books
  33. Experience sunrise and sunset in one day
  34. Go do snowboarding in High Tatras and Alps
  35. Start penpals again and regularly exchange letters
  36. Go to a dance school/class
  37. No more bread in my diet (or only little part)
  38. Go to have a massage
  39. Have an earing on the top of my ear
  40. Loose weight to 55kg
  41. Start learning playing piano
  42. Start learning playing violin again
  43. Read all the books in my library what I have not read yet
  44. Write a letter to myself what I think will happen in 5 years
  45. Answer all the 50 questions that will free your mind http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/
  46. See aurora
  47. Find out 100 things what make me happy
  48. Do fruit day once a week for a year
  49. Do fasting at least one day
  50. Learn Scottish accent
  51. Visit Prater in Vienna
  52. Try surfing
  53. Do hiking in Czech Krkonose hills
  54. See the top of the hill ‘Krivan’ in High Tatras without being pushed going back because of weather
  55. Don’t eat sweets for half a year
  56. Learn official First Aid
  57. Organise all email addresses
  58. Make for someone breakfast in bed
  59. Finnish drawing book from Oihane
  60. Put together book with art activities for children
  61. Climb Ben Nevis in Scotland
  62. Create a counselling workshop
  63. Own a horse
  64. Try housesitting
  65. Finnish reading ‘The Artists Way’ book
  66. Do yoga regularly
  67. Do regularly outdoor military training for 3 months
  68. Have enough money every month without turning every coin
  69. Get a new tattoo related to Scotland
  70. Get another tattoo related to ouroboros
  71. Learn pois that I can actually do them with a song
  72. Visit a new state
  73. Stay in a Bothy
  74. Do a birthday Trip
  75. Do a road trip
  76. Safe money for a car
  77. Read a classic novel I have never read
  78. Finnish singing classes
  79. Become fluent in Spanish again – find someone you can speak regularly Spanish with
  80. Do 7 days unplug
  81. Learn legs split
  82. Walk Santiago de Compostela for a month
  83. Have passive income
  84. Paint/draw every day
  85. Find lost creativity and touch with art
  86. Visit African Safari
  87. Sing and play guitar on the street
  88. Sing and play guitar on an open mic
  89. Go on holidays with my parents
  90. Travel across Slovakia (on my own or with my parents)
  91. Go to Barcelona see my friend (possibly meet all 4 of us?)
  92. Meet Oihane either in Scotland or Spain
  93. Go to a wellness retreat
  94. Find a way how to live in mountains maybe sustainable small house/cottage
  95. Write regularly articles/blogs/fiction/poems
  96. Make my will
  97. Get an apple pc where I can create videos
  98. Go to a concert of a world famous interpret (or someone I like)
  99. Finnish one of the sketchbooks
  100. Find my own ultimate clothes style
  101. Feel proud finishing all or some of the 101 things and create new 101 things in 1001 days  list
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101 things in 1001 days breakdown

I picked few of the points from the list ‘101 things in 1001 days’ I would like to talk about. Bold and cursive are the once I have never managed to do, but don’t feel the need of keeping them on the new list. Crossed once are those I managed to do in the past decade.

Create a herb first aid kit

This could be as well herb garden, but not only for food but as well for medical reasons. Back in Slovakia I used to go pick up herbs. I loved it. I haven’t done such a thing here in Scotland beside few rare occasions of wild garlic picking. The reason is I don’t have house, I live in a flat where not even kitchen is my own. That means I have no space to dry herbs over few months as I used to do back in my parents house. I would love to be able one day have my own herbs first aid kit as there is so many herbs what can help instead of pills. One day. This goal is staying.

Finnish law degree

Yeah I have done this one. What a torture that was. Thinking today about my own neurodiversity and about back then anxiety I honestly don’t know how I made myself to go through that. Having a knowledge what I have now I was severely stressed and likely even depressed, because law studies was truly the unhappiest time of my life. I didn’t want to quit so I finished my degree, but I have never worked or ever want to work in law field once I done so. I went completely opposite direction since then and finally I am happy.

Buy canon camera and make a lot of photographs (as well without)  

This has been a dream of so many years. Of course I take photos, but I do not own and never owned a proper camera. I am not sure this will leave me ever. This dream is staying.

Go again out to a club and have a lot of fun, dance till the morning and reset

When I was creating this list in 2013 my life felt as the end of it. I was studying serious carrier I was in quite serious although unhappy relationship and it felt as all those young years of fun and dance and such are all gone. I was not ready to give them up yet. Not long after I came here I had my second puberty for a while enjoying the dancing, late returns to home and lot of fun once again. Looking back I needed it, but same time I sure was dealing with some dark stuff. I certainly was not warned what a toll a toxicity can take on self. I am not a party animal anymore, neither I want to be, but the reset after so many stressful years, I sure did need that.

Minimalism at least in one aspect of life

Well okay. I did cross this one as after many year only recently I started digging into minimalism once again. I did Marie Kondo method in the tiny space I live in hoping I get to even more minimalistic life. Slowly but surely. There is still long way to go, but I sure have much less posetions and if I manage to move one day what I have now and even less should be all I own as I struggle having too many things around.

 Learn French

It is not entirely off list for the future, but I am taking it off the list at the moment. Firstly I would like to learn back Spanish as I forgot a lot of it and maybe one day in the future French would be back on the table. I am not passionate much about languages I have to say, never has been, but it is sure good to know few.

Meditate every day

I have crossed this one off even though I don’t sit to meditation every day. I came to believe and realisation that meditation can be every day life and every single action we do. So I am mostly focused on that, be present in what I am doing be content with what ever is happening and if I am not then observe from observer point of view. I believe that is real meditation.

 Go to a pub where they have at least 5 different kinds of beer and try them all

Being in Scotland this is not a hard one specially after 10 years. There sure are places where I have been so many times I did try more than 5 beers in them.

Read the whole Bible

Even though this might look like as a pretty religious goal it has never been. I find bible or Koran or any religious text fascinating. Well I used to find. There is lot of truths written and there sure was time I wanted to understand them. I guess throughout life and experiences I diverted from this view as I found truths within myself and books as Bible stopped being so fascinating to me. Given the fact they might not be really truthfully written even though the truth is still in them. I don’t  feel a need to read a Bible anymore as I believe the life experience is the ultimate teaching.

Run every day

Okay I am not yet on every day mark but I sure run much more than I have ever done before. I am not even sure if every day is a goal as I can see my legs are prone to injuries if I run too much.

Design my room according to FengShui

This is definitely getting off the list as my belief system changed massively. Despite the fact that I believe Feng Shui works, I don’t believe we are meant to manipulate anything in our life to our benefit. If we do it naturally as something what just comes to us in the moment I see that as a destiny as something what needs to happen, but if we consciously are making steps towards it than we are not trusting the universal order of things. This is way more philosophical and spiritual debate to have then compress it into few sentences, but this is just not what I aspire for anymore.

Meet my friends at least once a month

Seeing this one I have realised that I must have been pretty lonely back then. I had almost zero time, there were either studies or family demands or my relationship struggles. There was no time for myself or for my friends, I was progressively more and more isolated, my anxiety and stress going through the roof. I did not know how to talk to my friends about my relationship and I could not see how damaging it was to any of my worth and self-esteem. This one is sort of a sad one, seeing I even had a need to write it down.

Add more to my tattoo on the back

I am taking this off only because I want to change it to something else still related.

Learn to walk in high hills

I kind of have to laugh about this one. Not that I don’t find high hills pretty, I do, but I certainly have no need of wearing them anymore. Thank god. Reading this I can see the massive change I did by growing up into adulthood. Haha.

Camping by the lake with fire

I have done this multiple times in the past years. Again looking back I was doing nothing what I enjoy and everything what I thought I was supposed to and  should. What a waste of precious time and energy. There certainly are things we need to do to live and earn money to pay our bills and such, but beside that we should be doing things what mean something to us, things we want to do and not only doing them, because we were once told we should or are supposed to. I am in the midst of my life and I don’t want to give my energy to things and people what are dragging me down, where I don’t feel joy and love and what are meaningless to me only because someone else consider them being meaningful. It is time to live my life and be myself.

Learn music notes again

I still don’t remember them all but I can play some again. I am not sure I will ever be able to come to playing by the notes the same way as I used to.

Write all bad memories and throw them to the fire

I think I diverted from all this ritualistic nonsense. Don’t get me wrong there are times we might need exactly this as that is only way we can make peace and bring some sort of closure to what was not dealt with before or was not allowed to be expressed. But I have never get around doing so and I don’t feel a need for it anymore either. I did dealt with so many things in the past years to the point of acceptance that they did happen and I can not erase them I felt through them all let all what was needed out about them, that I finally feel more comfortable in my own skin. All the hurt I experienced, hatred and bad experiences from others was released by feeling it all. I don’t need to burn anything anymore.

Create my own cooking book

As older I am getting as less joy I find in cooking. It is a need to do, necessity for our body to function, but I have never really felt any sort of passion in relation to food. I have a little pad with some recipes, where I am planning to be adding more just to have few meals I can rotate over and over :D, but this is just not something I feel passionate about at all.

Go fishing

This used to be an activity I always connected with peacefulness. I still might enjoy it, but I don’t have such a need for it anymore as it is surely more present in my life by doing all sort of different activities what keep my soul calm(er).

Teach someone something

I am crossing this one as in past 10 years I have certainly thought someone something. From making coffee to help them find way how to live more content life. There were jobs with children, there were deep talks and sharing wisdom. As little I recognise I actually did teach a lot someone something.

Go see world singer concert

There was only one in past 10 years, but I surely loved it to the bits. Feeling the energy of the full stadium, laughs and dances. It was an experience never to be forgotten.

Learn detox/natural healing/self-awareness (be a master at least in one)

I have crossed this one out, not because I became a master. I do not think there is possibility to be a master in any of these as it is life long learning, but when comes to self-awareness I have undertook extensive journey into depths of my own core by becoming a professional in this sort of field. Layer by layer uncovering and exposing to myself, feeling and healing. The journey is not finished and I don’t think ever will be, but the last decade was all about self-awareness.

Do exercise of 5 Tibetans every morning

5 Tibetans are great, but I would be happy if I would just do some yoga in the mornings or even 5 Tibetans, but I don’t want to be this specific anymore. Morning exercise in realms of yoga and similar would be good.

Keep doing GTD method and planning every day

I have no idea what this one is anymore. It was related to productivity and organising. I don’t think I am that ambitious anymore, in fact I am trying to get into more ‘go with the flow’ and ‘procrastinate sometimes’ state, because that is where creativity is born.

Try to write for printed magazine/newspaper or something

If I would stay in Slovakia I might be a journalist today. I have left an offer to become a writer for fast growing online portal and one of the most known in Slovakia today when comes to education, when I was leaving for Scotland. I often come back to pondering what my life would of look like if I would take that job and stayed. It could be very different to the one I have now, but maybe I would end up exactly in the same place. I have no regrets. As much my young self wanted to be uncovering truth and help with ‘right’ narrative I am glad I did not get stuck in that way of thinking and am able today see more colours than just black and white.

Be completely healthy

I don’t think this is even an achievable goal so I am taking this off. I was slightly obsessed with health back then, what was coming from my own anxiety. I am glad I don’t have that anymore and if sick, than I am sick, I will heal or I will not. Beside taking care of our diet and exercise I don’t think we have much of a control over this.

Create human rights blog

Coming back to strong justice feeling I used to have. I used to see it being my purpose. Change the world. How wrong I was and how proud I was. The world is exactly as it is meant to be and I just play tiny little part in its perfect. I am not here to save or change anything or anyone, but myself.

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101 things in 1001 days

It has been ten years. Interestingly my old list of things I would like to do in 1001 days started coming back to me. I wrote this at a time when I was still living in Slovakia, but was soon leaving to Scotland.

It has been ten years since I came here.

Ten beautiful years, but as well ten years of a lot of hardship and struggles. I could easily say it has been the most difficult decade of my life so far, but same time most growing, exiting, life-changing. I would likely think the same about the decade before, but looking back those were more stable times at least from the outside, those were times when I was getting ready for this roller-coaster of feelings, emotions, decisions and realisations, changing my entire life journey completely, leaving behind what did not work, figuring out what does work and who I really am.

My old blog was a tiny reflection of my true self and 101 things in 1001 days were mostly reflections of who I truly am. As much I tried to be someone else during that time, it still leaked out in the blog and they still stayed with me until today, throughout all those changes.

I still love nature, horseback riding (even though I don’t do that one now), running, camping, little things.

Looking back at the list, there are things I have achieved without even knowing, but there are definitely ones I am still due to do and some I do not want anymore. Going through the list feels somewhat exiting and surprising.

The list was meant to be finished in 2016, but here we are in 2023 with a lot still go on.

I guess it is a great reminder of keeping our dreams alive, helping our inner child, teen or young adult be themselves and be seen. It is certainly what I feel going through the list, seeing my younger self full of doubts and anxieties trying to survive, trying to fit in and be seen, trying to be themselves.

It was difficult.

It still is at times, but I am more confident in my own skin then I have ever been, even though this new skin is something I have never thought I would become.

About that maybe another time.

I do not want to do 100 things in 1000 days anymore, but I do want to have a reminder of dreams and hopes towards the future. Have some sort of clarity where I am heading and want to get to. I want to make it 100 in roughly 10 years, but this can be shorter or longer as we never really know where the life will take us.

I am definitely on such crossroad these days, trying to leave Edinburgh in past few years, yet is seems like it just does not want to let me go. So let’s make a new list today in July of 2023, maybe finished in 2033 or maybe serve as an inspiration for another decade. I guess I want it to be living and changing list and not strictly rigid. Sometimes some goals and interests change in time and so I would like it to be living thing in case this happens.

So this was my original list. Let’s have a look what I have achieved (crossed) and what I do not want to achieve anymore (bold cursive):

Start: 17.4.2013

Finnish: 5.2.2016 (extended to 2023)

1.         My own photo with every blog post

2.        Create a herb first aid kit

3.       Finnish law degree

4.       Go study abroad

5.       Learn whole metallica ‘nothing else matters’ on guitar

6.       Go horseback riding 20 times

7.      Have motorbike driving licence  

8.      Buy canon and make a lot of photographs (as well without)  

9.       Create blog on wordpress

10.   Write e-book

11.    Finnish started book

12.    Go again out to a club and have a lot of fun, dance till the morning and reset

13.    Minimalism at least in one aspect of life

14.   Learn new habits (20)

15.   Learn french

16.   Read 5 spanish books

17.   Read 5 english books

18.   Experience sunrise and sunset in one day

19.   Be part of a movment ‘give a hug’

20.   Meditate every day

21.   Go do snowboarding in High Tatras and Alps

22.   Go to a pub where they have at least 5 different kinds of beer and try them all

23.   Donate some of your things

24.   Take out dogs from a shelter

25.   Create 10 items with glass painting

26.   Read 4 agreements – working book and implement them to life

27.   Read the whole Bible

28.   Go for few weeks/months course of foreign language abroad

29.   Start penpals again and regularly exchange letters

30.   Run every day

31.   Be human rights activist

32.   Do yoga

33.   Go to a dance school/class

34.   No more bread in my diet (or only little part)

35.   Design my room according FengShui

36.   Add books to ‘Knihobežník’ (network of books places around Slovakia where people are leaving books for others on random places)

37.   Go to have a thai massage

38.   Finnish the album from my birthday

39.   Start a photoalbum for me and my boyfriend

40.   Start recycling in our kitchen

41.   Let a proffesisonal take photos of me

42.   Meet my friends at least once a month

43.   Have an earing on the top of my ear

44.   Add more to my tattoo on back

45.   Go first time to a cosmetic centre

46.   Loose weight to 55kg

47.   Learn to walk in high hills

48.   Camping by the lake with fire

49. Finnish all the articles for the blog 

50.   Go to see Christmas market in Vienna

51.   Start learning playing piano

52.   Learn music notes again

53.   Learn how to tie a tie

54.   Go to a romantic holidays

55.   Travel part of Slovakia/Czech republic on motorbike

56.   Read all the books in my library what I have not read yet

57.   Write a letter to myself what I think will happen in 5 years

58.   Sleep under the stars with my boyfriend

59.   Answer all the 50 questions that will free your mind http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

60.   See aurora

61.   Write all bad memories and throw them to the fire

62.   Find out 100 things what make me happy

63.   Read 50 books

64.   Visit at least one different continent

65.   Have a dinner with candles

66.   Put a lock with my boyfriend in one of the Europe cities

67.   Do complete detox of liver and gut

68.   Create my own cooking book

69.   Go fishing

70.   See 10 different states

71.   Finish bachelor degree on AAdT

72.   Do IELTS in English

73.   Do fruit day once a week

74.   Do fasting at least one day

75.   Try sushi

76.   Teach someone something

77.   At least one day don’t judge anyone and anything

78.   Learn Scottish accent

79.   Make my blog public under my own name on FB

80.   Visit Vienna Prater

81.   Go on a boat on the lake

82.   Try surfing

83.   Go see world singer concert

84.   Do hiking in Czech Krkonose hills

85.   See the top of the hill ‘Krivan’ in High Tatras without being pushed going back because of weather

86.   Don’t eat sweets for half a year

87.   Learn detox/natural healing/self-awareness (be a master at least in one)

88.   Do exercise of 5 Tibetans every morning

89.   Learn official First Aid

90.   Keep doing GTD method and planning every day

91.   Say NO without feeling guilty

92.   Try to write for printed magazine/newspaper or something

93.   Write 200 articles

94.   Organise all email addresses

95.   Get rid of half of my room stuff

96.   Become independent from my parents

97.   Make for someone breakfast to bed

98.   Fullfill someone’s wish

99.   Be completely healthy

100.Have enough money every month without turning every coin

101. Create human rights blog

Sneak peak into the golas/dreams in next article…

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Magical scottish bike

There was a time when I was poor and broke.

Every day life became difficult I had to be mindful about my spendings I had to walk to work 45minutes instead of getting a bus, just to safe not even two pounds.

This period brought some other things into my life. I had to become even more flexible then ever before and so I have started doing deliveries on my bike. Bike what was standing in the hallway for good few years without me using it much. Me who haven’t been doing much of exercise than walking 45min to and 45min back from work.

And so I have started doing deliveries.

The first ones took me forever. If there was a hill it was way too long, but no one has ever complained. I guess they felt sorry for me. My bike became my best friend as without it I would not be able to have some additional income. It saved me. Patiently waiting for me to pick it up from the realm of forgetfulness of its existence. I thought of selling it so many times, but something inside me always said ‘wait you might need it one day’.

And so I waited.

We rode the roads of Edinburgh together, learnt to ride with big buses and cars on the road. I became so fit that I was riding bike absolutely everywhere, felt the freedom wen speeding down the hills of Edinburgh and satisfaction when reaching the tops of the uphill streets.

Until one day I arrived home from yet another delivering trip hoped off the bike and suddenly gear with chain just dropped on the floor.

I knew this was beyond my capabilities to repair it. Just about that time I changed my job and I was not in immediate need of money. I always felt as if the bike has waited until I am okay and secure. I was mesmerized by the fact that the gear fell not on the bumpy road when I was speeding down the hill and what would cause me severe injury if not worse but exactly in the moment when I got off the bike. I had tears in my eyes how grateful I was this little unalive fella ‘waited’ until I am sound and safe back home. I felt obligated to at least try to reappear it and so I took it into the bike shop. Seeing surprise in guys faces operating the shop how I survived riding such bike I knew this was the end of our journey together. Getting it fixed would cost me way too much money what I was not able to pay.

I took the purple friend into the downstair bike cupboard where he sat for another year.

Broken.

I just was not ready to give him up.

He saved my life. He was with me throughout the most difficult time when comes to financial situation. Until the right time came.

I woke up one morning and walked with bike by my site to the bike station where I donated it for repair or parts purposes. It still can be useful for someone and it still can make a difference in someone elses life as it did in mine.

I cried when I left the shop.

I felt so silly.

Why am I crying after a thing what is not even alive?

It saved me when I was in my worse and without it I would never make it to the other side.

It was there patiently waiting until time came and I needed to figure out how to earn some extra money.

And It waited until I was not riding it to actually break that I am left uninjured and okay.

Despite more likely possible coincidence these all events happened I will remember my first Scottish bike to be more special than just a thing used for moving from one point to another. For me it was somewhat magical keeping me safe and helping me in my darkest times. It thought me there is always a way even if hard and uncomfortable, but there is always a way.

I will always remember you my little purple wheel friend.

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I lost my smell

I cannot smell anything. Who would of thought this would be an issue.

Past few days I am shaking hands with covid possibly for a first time. Although I believe I had it at the very start when no one knew what it was as I thought I am going to die. Worst flu in my life. But this time I have been tested and I definitely have it. Surprisingly it was worse than what I would expect after such long circulation within society, but I do meet people on daily basis so who knows how many different doses have I got.

But back to the smell. It is so annoying.

I make a coffee at the morning and I can not smell it. I think I have never realised until now how smells are big part of my every day life, how they alter my mental state. Smell of fresh grounded coffee just starts the day.

I can not smell the laundry, floury smell of new tried detergent.

I can not smell if I need a shower. What one could get used to if other people around couldn’t smell either 😀 I can not enjoy smell of the parfume I put on at the morning.

I can not smell the fresh breeze through a window or I can not calm myself down to sleep with some lavender in aroma lamp.

Honestly it feels as a torture and thinking I might not get my smell back hunts me.

All those little things we smell on everyday basis and either improve or deteriorate our mood and they are all gone.

I make food but I can not smell it, it honestly take away a huge part of the experience even though my taste is still there for now.

I truly wish to smell the flowers once again.

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Joy in Pandemic times – Scotland is getting ready for Winter

Autumn is almost gone.

Leaves from trees are slowly changing into mush-mash of wet slippery cover on the path walks and trees appear to be more and more naked. I guess I am ready for winter as well.

Tiredness is most present every day, as my body would like to tell me to slow down, reflect.

I have been very busy lately, trying to balance all present in my life. I enjoy all, but I am learning to do just as much I can in a day.

Pandemic times don´t add much.

Do you find yourself sometimes creatively drained?

I do. Days even months of not picking up the pencil. Is it for us to push through or just let it go itself? In my own experience the answer is somewhere in the middle.

My creativity heightened lately and I made myself a promise of drawing every day for one month. It is not easy task to accomplish and as I am writing this story I have already slipped few days trying to catch up now.

Have you ever heard of Ink October Challenge? I am doing it now in November. Hoping to continue on everyday quick sketches even after the challenge. That is for another story though.

As I look out of my window weather is less promising every day. Yet we had quite few beautiful days even little inversion, which I am hoping to experience again. Edinburgh covered in cloud, one suddenly felt as being in the part of Harry Potter Books or Sherlock Holmes stories.

Picking up leaves on the way home, creating fall inside of the flat. Enjoying times with friends. Experiencing that even in times as we live at now there is still a lot to see and experience. I guess we learnt to live with virus, there are restrictions present in the past half of the year and I only can conclude that this time brought a lot of positives into my life as well.

Nature become more important than ever, appreciating every new day being healthy, every meeting with friends. Being grateful for the job I have which allows me get away from not only isolation, but as well away from the fear of the virus, which many experience nowadays.

But enough of talking, let me show you little things which make life so special even in times of pandemics.

What is it you enjoy at the moment?  What makes you happy?

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Riding for Deliveroo – struggles of a woman

Deliveroo sounded as a great option to get some income as because of decision studying again has prevented me doing full time job. But honestly having full time job in only one field never has been my domain because with routine I quickly loose motivation and inspiration. Path I have chosen determined by artistic journey and self-awareness is very often about experiencing insecurities and being unconsciously put into situations which test my limits bringing up old not useful patterns and test me in many ways how do I face them. I love this way of living even though it can be very challenging at times.

But back to Deliveroo.

I have always loved sports but as years passed I became less and less fit. I would do some hiking I have never minded walking but that would be it.

But then would come walking into stairs.

Oh my god living on the top floor was truly a nightmare and since I moved not only I live on the top floor but even higher than before. Maybe because of my luck of fitness maybe because of stress of the past and its toll on my thyroid stairs became at times my enemy.

Often I would think about my past younger times when I would exercise 5 days a week which I have never been able coming back to.

My financial situation pushed me to find suitable options which would allow me at least to certain extend manage my time and not exhaust myself to the point where there is no creativity left or strength to study mentaly fairly difficult and challenging topic based on a lot of inner work.

Again back to Deliveroo.

So apart of part-time job at school I have started riding. It was a huge challenge specially at the beginnings, because Edinburgh is not flat. I grew up on a flat land, where it would be easy get anywhere by bike, because there were no hills. I hated cycling hills I would never manage with my breath and it felt as literally dying. So being forced to be quick with deliveries and go constantly up the hill (because where I lived before was close to the sea) was a huge challenge which took me months of trying one or two deliveries at a time in order to get better.

Slowly I would see some progress and then lockdown hit.

I haven´t done almost any deliveries in that time as the focus went into my studies, some online work, art, creative projects meeting as little people as possible because we already lived four pretty much strangers in the flat and specially at the beginning no one really knew how things are going to be. Looking back, it wasn´t the greatest decision because I lost all my little fitness I have gained until then so coming back to it after months of being pretty much home was as starting from the point zero.

So I started cycling around to places, running and again slowly gaining some fitness. Riding felt difficult at the beginning I would make one order and I was just ready going home. Mentally this wasn´t helping, because my mind wouldn´t see the point of doing so.

So again finances forced me to keep going.

I have started doing one or two orders per day and slowly getting better and better.

One day I went for a trip with a friend and there was an older man watching as I was unlocking my bike. He shown some light onto my bike struggles because he said that the bike I have he remembers from his younger times about 20 years ago. All of a sudden it made sense why it does always feel so hard riding it.

The bike has started squeaking as to let me know how old it is and I have realised that since I got it about 6 years ago as a second hand bike I have never done any maintenance with it and took it very much for granted.

So I bought at least some oil because obviously the bike was telling me to do something.

I love my bike, but it is truly an old lady.

Today was a first day riding on well-oiled bike and oh my gosh what a difference. I think I had to use twice of the effort before.

Another huge struggle and coming out of my comfort zone was facing amount of people and traffic specially at evenings. I felt as everyone is watching me, which often for some reason I would drive attention of people passing by at me. Maybe it is the fact I am a woman rider, which I do meet very rarely other woman or it´s so obvious that I just often struggle to the hill and am catching my breath. Whatever it is I prefer less crowded times during mornings maybe lunch time even if that means I earn less money.

People seem to be kinder at mornings too, maybe it´s because new day has started and there is no stress of the day present upon them yet.

At the moment of writing this 6 days in the row of riding is behind me. It is still nothing much just about two hours a day, but I am proud of myself, because it feels as with running when you pass certain point until when it feels super difficult suddenly it becomes freeing and nice experience. I believe I am getting there with my bike too. My dad has grown up in very hilly town in the mountains always riding bike, even my grandad would ride the bike around everywhere on those hills to very old age. So I have a strong believe there are genes inside which can find beauty and likeness in riding bike in hilly places.

I am growing to liking this new routine on the bike driving to different places, getting to know my new neighbourhood and enjoying new experience life brought me.

Are you a woman rider yourself or would like to become one? If so and you would like to support me feel free to use my code while registering to become a rider – roo.it/EV346289

Let me know what are your experiences riding for company as Deliveroo if you have some? Are you a fellow woman rider – what are your experiences?

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The cycle – misunderstood natural process of being human

‘She must be on her period, ´ said a man in a suit to his colleague laughing at their boss who just burst in anger about some in their eyes unimportant thing.

´Other woman are just fine and functioning why can´t you?´

´I don´t want to hear about it it´s disgusting.´

´You can´t use your cycle as an excuse for being mean´

I am sorry for maybe uncomfortable topic for some but same time can be a little eye opening and if you are a man you can maybe understand a woman a little bit more.

Have you ever heard any of the statements above? Personaly or throug others I did.

Just few days ago I had very strange experience. Pain would be very common companion every month but what I experienced now was way far more extreme than ever before. I guess the connection to my own woman site and body is reaching its culminating point so with understanding can sometimes come pain as well. I almost called the ambulance when I was just about to faint while making breakfast being unable to stand up, covered in hot sweat, pinpointed to the bed crawling like a hurt animal. My whole body vibrated and only open my eyes was too much, too painful, too overwhelming. Whole world around me was spiralling and I wasn´t sure if it ever ends.

All I could do is accept that my body is going through something difficult yet important. Once I have embraced my state which was a little scary the sensation started easing itself.

Woman cycle is a truly strange but in a way a magical thing as well. I am not an exception in better understanding my own woman site as older I get.

There used to be times when I wished to be rather a man and cycle was one of the reasons.

I have been always very sensitive to it skipped classes at school because of it felt embarrassed when I was one of the first one in my class to experience it.

Such a natural thing which somehow we grow up to hide, feel embarrassed about, find hard to talk about, push ourselves to feel and perform as nothing would be happening every month to our body. We have learnt to take pills to control and change natural patterns as we would think it is our right playing gods.

I don´t blame you there is a huge pressure to be fully functioning as if we wouldn´t be humans.

How could a world run predominantly by mind understand that every woman experiences her cycle differently, some are more sensitive to it than others, that it is unhuman effort to try control moods in this time. How could a mind who doesn´t understand emotions embrace that it is not a sign of weakness but quiet opposite. It is easier to deny the huge impact it has on the body, mind, emotions, performance, mood every single month because it is just not convenient being sensitive and human. It takes time, effort and open mind to understand what is really happening. Unfortunatelly that doesn´t earn any money or perform well on annual progress presentations.

Cycle taught me a lot about myself. Every month I can see a pattern appearing. Just before ´the cleaning process´ my moods change sometimes rapidly. There is nothing I can do about it as I believe you out there either. All we can do is embrace the fact that we are emotional, nervous even mean sometimes and giving people around us a little hard time.

I hear you it is not easy to deal with us but trust me it is not easy to be us in the time either.

Often I would feel to be a different person. My moods lower down, for about a week before,I would prefer quiet environment, no people and withdraw. It is not always possible though in such sped up lives we live sometimes in structure where society is build the way where are no breaks or acknowledgments of woman’s monthly cycle.

I am starting to understand better what could of been society before patriarchy when woman was a centre of society connected to very raw source of our humanness – emotions, nature cycles, body, all we are made of and from.

We don´t live in that world anymore because from body and our heart we moved into our heads. We disconnected from our bodies so much, that sometimes we can´t even spot our own emotions, we became unaware how much they drive our behaviour and thought patterns. In this sense woman are very lucky, because cycle is bringing us back, is teaching us to connect with ourselves to be aware of the pattern to listen what our body needs and is telling us.

It is such a creative process as well. According to my cycle I see the patter of creativity emerging. All the senses heighten just before sometimes in such an overwhelming way that bearing noise is difficult, emotions of other people, my own emotions which reach extreme points.

I am not able to be creative in this time.

Everything feels pointless what the body needs here is quiet going inside rather to the outside world, reflect because something is ending and needs to be processed and let go for another new beginning.  Just after everything calms down I feel renewed as the body is renewed once again. My creativity emerges, my mood is cheerer, ideas emerge, I have much more energy.

New cycle has started and the process of born and death in symbolic way is starting once again.

As a little child full of energy I enter first days, so excited about everything every single experience and as I grow ´older´ throughout the process I calm down and go into slower retrospective state as the cycle is reaching its end just before the period comes the same way as one is reaching end of their life. Month passed and death and new beginning will be experienced once again.

Understanding this process helped me to connect natural processes in life. Everything is changing all the time, nothing stays still or forever, what is born needs to die one day, it’s a natural process we forgot in technological by mind run world.

I feel connected to my woman site today as never before. Through all the pain, misunderstanding, blame, judgment of such natural process we experience every month I finally came to understand how powerful and necessary this all is.

All we need is a support, acceptance and respect that we bear this to show you what one part of human nature is truly about 🙂

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What is it I am complaining about?

Living in the city can be a bit of a challenge sometimes. Maybe it is not even the city as our (my) lucking ability to switch off. I am certainly a person who is way too sensitive which makes me get easily overwhelmed and guard myself a little more, prone to withdraw. Maybe that is exactly the reason why I tend to seek quiet away from everyone and everything sometimes.

Do you know that feeling?

Everything seems to be too noisy too much too many choices too many people. In a way I do love both noise-quiet light-dark city-village…one reminds me how lucky I am to have the other. Yet I am growing to be old for city life. Maybe I just need a break maybe I am getting ready for a different phase of my life.

More and more I long for long deserted forest walks for exploring quiet forgotten places.

I need to be careful though because one big lesson of my life is being happy with what I have and don´t get lost in dreams about possibilities which are not ´just now´. Little daydreaming though is okay sometimes so I guess today I can give myself permission :D.

I do feel a bit guilty in this very moment while I am writing this as if I would be abandoning Edinburgh a city which gave me so much and taught me to be who I am.

I am slipping lately into memory realms about times I have experienced before, times which feel to be as a different life what I am glad is behind me. Yet all those good or bad experiences I had nice and little less nice people I met brought me exactly where I am today and made me who I am today and I will be forever thankful for that to all of them.

I guess lately I have been longing for ´work´ of my ancestors which is truly strange feeling. I do come from a family which has long history of connection with nature and people. There always has been somehow creative vibe but as well very technical and logical approach. I guess I am trying to find my own place once again as many times before and noise of the city is not always helping. Yet we can only work with what we´ve got and Edinburgh is still far away from very noisy and huge cities. It is very green city too with so many bits of nature which one can explore.

So what exactly is it I am complaining about? 😀

I guess I am not alone wishing to experience a life where I get out of the house and am on the edge of the forest. Life where I can run through the meadows whenever I please and smell all the flowers. But as well life filled with not always easy every day work yet somehow meaningful connected to very source of ourselves, to nature.

Maybe one day.

Slowly I am implementing small bits into the life where I am just now. I get to go to the forest, pick up some berries or mushrooms, bake muffins (such a discovery :D), listen to people, play with kids, enjoy time with friends and some new people coming into my life…

For now, I have a privilege to explore at least nature in and around the city. Maybe in some time I get to go farther to the mountains once again and do my so long planned hiking trips. I guess past months were for many of us quite reflecting ones. I am greatful to be healthy have a roof above my head work for others find some time to be creative. It can be struggle sometimes because of the demands of the outside world finances which seem to always avoid me for a very good reason (that is certainly for another story).

Do you have these moments where you are same time grateful for what you have yet that never happy voice becomes a little louder?

Maybe you understand and maybe not…Either way it´s okay… Today has been a little philosophical….

Is there something you are thankful for right now where you are at? Or the wander how life could be different is lauder these days?

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