I lost my smell

I cannot smell anything. Who would of thought this would be an issue.

Past few days I am shaking hands with covid possibly for a first time. Although I believe I had it at the very start when no one knew what it was as I thought I am going to die. Worst flu in my life. But this time I have been tested and I definitely have it. Surprisingly it was worse than what I would expect after such long circulation within society, but I do meet people on daily basis so who knows how many different doses have I got.

But back to the smell. It is so annoying.

I make a coffee at the morning and I can not smell it. I think I have never realised until now how smells are big part of my every day life, how they alter my mental state. Smell of fresh grounded coffee just starts the day.

I can not smell the laundry, floury smell of new tried detergent.

I can not smell if I need a shower. What one could get used to if other people around couldnā€™t smell either šŸ˜€ I can not enjoy smell of the parfume I put on at the morning.

I can not smell the fresh breeze through a window or I can not calm myself down to sleep with some lavender in aroma lamp.

Honestly it feels as a torture and thinking I might not get my smell back hunts me.

All those little things we smell on everyday basis and either improve or deteriorate our mood and they are all gone.

I make food but I can not smell it, it honestly take away a huge part of the experience even though my taste is still there for now.

I truly wish to smell the flowers once again.

Joy in Pandemic times – Scotland is getting ready for Winter

Autumn is almost gone.

Leaves from trees are slowly changing into mush-mash of wet slippery cover on the path walks and trees appear to be more and more naked. I guess I am ready for winter as well.

Tiredness is most present every day, as my body would like to tell me to slow down, reflect.

I have been very busy lately, trying to balance all present in my life. I enjoy all, but I am learning to do just as much I can in a day.

Pandemic times donĀ“t add much.

Do you find yourself sometimes creatively drained?

I do. Days even months of not picking up the pencil. Is it for us to push through or just let it go itself? In my own experience the answer is somewhere in the middle.

My creativity heightened lately and I made myself a promise of drawing every day for one month. It is not easy task to accomplish and as I am writing this story I have already slipped few days trying to catch up now.

Have you ever heard of Ink October Challenge? I am doing it now in November. Hoping to continue on everyday quick sketches even after the challenge. That is for another story though.

As I look out of my window weather is less promising every day. Yet we had quite few beautiful days even little inversion, which I am hoping to experience again. Edinburgh covered in cloud, one suddenly felt as being in the part of Harry Potter Books or Sherlock Holmes stories.

Picking up leaves on the way home, creating fall inside of the flat. Enjoying times with friends. Experiencing that even in times as we live at now there is still a lot to see and experience. I guess we learnt to live with virus, there are restrictions present in the past half of the year and I only can conclude that this time brought a lot of positives into my life as well.

Nature become more important than ever, appreciating every new day being healthy, every meeting with friends. Being grateful for the job I have which allows me get away from not only isolation, but as well away from the fear of the virus, which many experience nowadays.

But enough of talking, let me show you little things which make life so special even in times of pandemics.

What is it you enjoy at the moment? Ā What makes you happy?

Riding for Deliveroo ā€“ struggles of a woman

Deliveroo sounded as a great option to get some income as because of decision studying again has prevented me doing full time job. But honestly having full time job in only one field never has been my domain because with routine I quickly loose motivation and inspiration. Path I have chosen determined by artistic journey and self-awareness is very often about experiencing insecurities and being unconsciously put into situations which test my limits bringing up old not useful patterns and test me in many ways how do I face them. I love this way of living even though it can be very challenging at times.

But back to Deliveroo.

I have always loved sports but as years passed I became less and less fit. I would do some hiking I have never minded walking but that would be it.

But then would come walking into stairs.

Oh my god living on the top floor was truly a nightmare and since I moved not only I live on the top floor but even higher than before. Maybe because of my luck of fitness maybe because of stress of the past and its toll on my thyroid stairs became at times my enemy.

Often I would think about my past younger times when I would exercise 5 days a week which I have never been able coming back to.

My financial situation pushed me to find suitable options which would allow me at least to certain extend manage my time and not exhaust myself to the point where there is no creativity left or strength to study mentaly fairly difficult and challenging topic based on a lot of inner work.

Again back to Deliveroo.

So apart of part-time job at school I have started riding. It was a huge challenge specially at the beginnings, because Edinburgh is not flat. I grew up on a flat land, where it would be easy get anywhere by bike, because there were no hills. I hated cycling hills I would never manage with my breath and it felt as literally dying. So being forced to be quick with deliveries and go constantly up the hill (because where I lived before was close to the sea) was a huge challenge which took me months of trying one or two deliveries at a time in order to get better.

Slowly I would see some progress and then lockdown hit.

IĀ havenĀ“t done almost any deliveries in that time as the focus went into my studies, some online work, art, creative projects meeting as little people as possible because we already lived four pretty much strangers in the flat and specially at the beginning no one really knew how things are going to be. Looking back, it wasnĀ“t the greatest decision because IĀ lost all my little fitness IĀ have gained until then so coming back to it after months of being pretty much home was as starting from the point zero.

So I started cycling around to places, running and again slowly gaining some fitness. Riding felt difficult at the beginning I would make one order and I was just ready going home. Mentally this wasnĀ“t helping, because my mind wouldnĀ“t see the point of doing so.

So again finances forced me to keep going.

I have started doing one or two orders per day and slowly getting better and better.

One day IĀ went for aĀ trip with aĀ friend and there was an older man watching as IĀ was unlocking my bike. He shown some light onto my bike struggles because he said that the bike IĀ have he remembers from his younger times about 20 years ago. All of aĀ sudden it made sense why it does always feel so hard riding it.

The bike has started squeaking as to let me know how old it is and IĀ have realised that since IĀ got it about 6 years ago as aĀ second hand bike IĀ have never done any maintenance with it and took it very much for granted.

So I bought at least some oil because obviously the bike was telling me to do something.

I love my bike, but it is truly an old lady.

Today was a first day riding on well-oiled bike and oh my gosh what a difference. I think I had to use twice of the effort before.

Another huge struggle and coming out of my comfort zone was facing amount of people and traffic specially at evenings. I felt as everyone is watching me, which often for some reason I would drive attention of people passing by at me. Maybe it is the fact I am a woman rider, which I do meet very rarely other woman or itĀ“s so obvious that I just often struggle to the hill and am catching my breath. Whatever it is I prefer less crowded times during mornings maybe lunch time even if that means I earn less money.

People seem to be kinder at mornings too, maybe itĀ“s because new day has started and there is no stress of the day present upon them yet.

At the moment of writing this 6 days in the row of riding is behind me. It is still nothing much just about two hours a day, but I am proud of myself, because it feels as with running when you pass certain point until when it feels super difficult suddenly it becomes freeing and nice experience. I believe I am getting there with my bike too. My dad has grown up in very hilly town in the mountains always riding bike, even my grandad would ride the bike around everywhere on those hills to very old age. So I have a strong believe there are genes inside which can find beauty and likeness in riding bike in hilly places.

I am growing to liking this new routine on the bike driving to different places, getting to know my new neighbourhood and enjoying new experience life brought me.

Are you a woman rider yourself or would like to become one? If so and you would like to support me feel free to use my code while registering to become a rider ā€“ roo.it/EV346289

Let me know what are your experiences riding for company as Deliveroo if you have some? Are you a fellow woman rider – what are your experiences?

The cycle – misunderstood natural process of being human

‘She must be on her period, Ā“ said a man in a suit to his colleague laughing at their boss who just burst in anger about some in their eyes unimportant thing.

Ā“Other woman are just fine and functioning why canĀ“t you?Ā“

Ā“I donĀ“t want to hear about it itĀ“s disgusting.Ā“

Ā“You canĀ“t use your cycle as an excuse for being meanĀ“

IĀ am sorry for maybe uncomfortable topic for some but same time can be aĀ little eye opening and if you are aĀ man you can maybe understand aĀ woman aĀ little bit more.

Have you ever heard any of the statements above? Personaly or throug others I did.

Just few days ago I had very strange experience. Pain would be very common companion every month but what I experienced now was way far more extreme than ever before. I guess the connection to my own woman site and body is reaching its culminating point so with understanding can sometimes come pain as well. I almost called the ambulance when I was just about to faint while making breakfast being unable to stand up, covered in hot sweat, pinpointed to the bed crawling like a hurt animal. My whole body vibrated and only open my eyes was too much, too painful, too overwhelming. Whole world around me was spiralling and I wasnĀ“t sure if it ever ends.

All IĀ could do is accept that my body is going through something difficult yet important. Once IĀ have embraced my state which was aĀ little scary the sensation started easing itself.

Woman cycle is aĀ truly strange but in aĀ way a magical thing as well. IĀ am not an exception in better understanding my own woman site as older IĀ get.

There used to be times when IĀ wished to be rather aĀ man and cycle was one of the reasons.

I have been always very sensitive to it skipped classes at school because of it felt embarrassed when I was one of the first one in my class to experience it.

Such a natural thing which somehow we grow up to hide, feel embarrassed about, find hard to talk about, push ourselves to feel and perform as nothing would be happening every month to our body. We have learnt to take pills to control and change natural patterns as we would think it is our right playing gods.

I donĀ“t blame you there is a huge pressure to be fully functioning as if we wouldnĀ“t be humans.

How could a world run predominantly by mind understand that every woman experiences her cycle differently, some are more sensitive to it than others, that it is unhuman effort to try control moods in this time. How could a mind who doesnĀ“t understand emotions embrace that it is not a sign of weakness but quiet opposite. It is easier to deny the huge impact it has on the body, mind, emotions, performance, mood every single month because it is just not convenient being sensitive and human. It takes time, effort and open mind to understand what is really happening. Unfortunatelly that doesnĀ“t earn any money or perform well on annual progress presentations.

Cycle taught me aĀ lot about myself. Every month IĀ can see aĀ pattern appearing. Just before Ā“the cleaning processĀ“ my moods change sometimes rapidly. There is nothing IĀ can do about it as IĀ believe you out there either. All we can do is embrace the fact that we are emotional, nervous even mean sometimes and giving people around us aĀ little hard time.

IĀ hear you it is not easy to deal with us but trust me it is not easy to be us in the time either.

Often I would feel to be a different person. My moods lower down, for about a week before,I would prefer quiet environment, no people and withdraw. It is not always possible though in such sped up lives we live sometimes in structure where society is build the way where are no breaks or acknowledgments of womanā€™s monthly cycle.

I am starting to understand better what could of been society before patriarchy when woman was a centre of society connected to very raw source of our humanness ā€“ emotions, nature cycles, body, all we are made of and from.

We donĀ“t live in that world anymore because from body and our heart we moved into our heads. We disconnected from our bodies so much, that sometimes we canĀ“t even spot our own emotions, we became unaware how much they drive our behaviour and thought patterns. In this sense woman are very lucky, because cycle is bringing us back, is teaching us to connect with ourselves to be aware of the pattern to listen what our body needs and is telling us.

It is such aĀ creative process as well. According to my cycle IĀ see the patter of creativity emerging. All the senses heighten just before sometimes in such an overwhelming way that bearing noise is difficult, emotions of other people, my own emotions which reach extreme points.

I am not able to be creative in this time.

Everything feels pointless what the body needs here is quiet going inside rather to the outside world, reflect because something is ending and needs to be processed and let go for another new beginning. Ā Just after everything calms down I feel renewed as the body is renewed once again. My creativity emerges, my mood is cheerer, ideas emerge, I have much more energy.

New cycle has started and the process of born and death in symbolic way is starting once again.

As a little child full of energy I enter first days, so excited about everything every single experience and as I grow Ā“olderĀ“ throughout the process I calm down and go into slower retrospective state as the cycle is reaching its end just before the period comes the same way as one is reaching end of their life. Month passed and death and new beginning will be experienced once again.

Understanding this process helped me to connect natural processes in life. Everything is changing all the time, nothing stays still or forever, what is born needs to die one day, itā€™s a natural process we forgot in technological by mind run world.

I feel connected to my woman site today as never before. Through all the pain, misunderstanding, blame, judgment of such natural process we experience every month I finally came to understand how powerful and necessary this all is.

All we need is a support, acceptance and respect that we bear this to show you what one part of human nature is truly about šŸ™‚

What is it I am complaining about?

Living in the city can be a bit of a challenge sometimes. Maybe it is not even the city as our (my) lucking ability to switch off. I am certainly a person who is way too sensitive which makes me get easily overwhelmed and guard myself a little more, prone to withdraw. Maybe that is exactly the reason why I tend to seek quiet away from everyone and everything sometimes.

Do you know that feeling?

Everything seems to be too noisy too much too many choices too many people. In a way I do love both noise-quiet light-dark city-village…one reminds me how lucky I am to have the other. Yet I am growing to be old for city life. Maybe I just need a break maybe I am getting ready for a different phase of my life.

More and more I long for long deserted forest walks for exploring quiet forgotten places.

I need to be careful though because one big lesson of my life is being happy with what I have and donĀ“t get lost in dreams about possibilities which are not Ā“just nowĀ“. Little daydreaming though is okay sometimes so I guess today I can give myself permission :D.

I do feel a bit guilty in this very moment while I am writing this as if I would be abandoning Edinburgh a city which gave me so much and taught me to be who I am.

I am slipping lately into memory realms about times I have experienced before, times which feel to be as a different life what I am glad is behind me. Yet all those good or bad experiences I had nice and little less nice people I met brought me exactly where I am today and made me who I am today and I will be forever thankful for that to all of them.

I guess lately I have been longing for Ā“workĀ“ of my ancestors which is truly strange feeling. I do come from a family which has long history of connection with nature and people. There always has been somehow creative vibe but as well very technical and logical approach. I guess I am trying to find my own place once again as many times before and noise of the city is not always helping. Yet we can only work with what weĀ“ve got and Edinburgh is still far away from very noisy and huge cities. It is very green city too with so many bits of nature which one can explore.

So what exactly is it I am complaining about? šŸ˜€

I guess I am not alone wishing to experience a life where I get out of the house and am on the edge of the forest. Life where I can run through the meadows whenever I please and smell all the flowers. But as well life filled with not always easy every day work yet somehow meaningful connected to very source of ourselves, to nature.

Maybe one day.

Slowly I am implementing small bits into the life where I am just now. I get to go to the forest, pick up some berries or mushrooms, bake muffins (such a discovery :D), listen to people, play with kids, enjoy time with friends and some new people coming into my lifeā€¦

For now, I have a privilege to explore at least nature in and around the city. Maybe in some time I get to go farther to the mountains once again and do my so long planned hiking trips. I guess past months were for many of us quite reflecting ones. I am greatful to be healthy have a roof above my head work for others find some time to be creative. It can be struggle sometimes because of the demands of the outside world finances which seem to always avoid me for a very good reason (that is certainly for another story).

Do you have these moments where you are same time grateful for what you have yet that never happy voice becomes a little louder?

Maybe you understand and maybe notā€¦Either way itĀ“s okayā€¦ Today has been a little philosophicalā€¦.

Is there something you are thankful for right now where you are at? Or the wander how life could be different is lauder these days?

What can you do in quarantine and not get crazy?

I will be honest with you I find it hard time to time.

ItĀ“s like moving on the wave where one day I am on top surfing smoothly and the other IĀ“m smashed to the very bottom by a strong tide.

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How to start pursuing your passion.

There is plenty of guidance how to pursue your passion, but what IĀ found to be most difficult from my own experience is to figure out what it actually is.

I always knew IĀ love creative staff IĀ did theatre for some time, played guitar, danced always was doing something creative for my family and friends, but for a long time IĀ didnā€™t really know thatĀ“s actually what fulfils me the most.

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Truth of life on the blackboard

Ā“Life is like sinusoidĀ“, said the teacher and draw waved line on the blackboard. In the middle was a straight line.


Ā“When youĀ“re on the top youĀ“ll eventually go down to the bottom…but when you are on the bottom then youĀ“re going to come up again, there is no other option.Ā“ Pointing the chalk on opposite tops Ā“of the hillsĀ“.

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When you just are

That space of stillness and calmness within us. IĀ donĀ“t know about you but IĀ have heard teachers around the world for many years now talking about this space. Helping us to get there. All over again and again talking about that same thing. You can name it Mooji, Tolle, Osho, Ivanka and many others. Always there for their students who are ready to listen. And always it comes back to that space where it all arises which is behind our body behind our self. It just is.

When IĀ first heard about this space it did sound familiar but IĀ wasnĀ“t there. Through life and experiences IĀ have started to be there but only sometimes. IĀ got into aĀ role of observer, observer of myself of the body with name with certain destiny. It all became quieter. It is quieter now.

Great times of this quiet space are when IĀ paint but not only then. It is there when IĀ talk when IĀ wash dishes, when IĀ walk. Art leads me there tough it is only one of many tools which made my mind to be quieter.

Then questioned arise…

What is the point of life if IĀ just am? Mind was talking again so IĀ put myself into work because IĀ found out those are times when mind shuts up. It takes its focus to what is my body actually doing rather than wandering about and feel whatever ā€“ sorry for itself, angry, sad, mad, lonely, stressed, pressured etc..

And IĀ paint, draw and laugh and just am. There is nothing else necessary, although IĀ do all that other necessary staff too. IĀ live. But IĀ do it as an observer of this body doing all the staff in every day being happy I can just be šŸ™‚

Do IĀ not identify with my body anymore?

Yes IĀ do, there is still what to learn until IĀ get there permanently. IĀ“m on the way though. IĀ“m on my way.

Am IĀ where IĀ am supposed to be?

It is question IĀ would be asking myself quite aĀ lot in my life. Have you?

In times of struggle and feeling drained IĀ would be asking myself what is the purpose of my life…I would always find it for aĀ little while in something but then I would get stuck in routine again and again. Art and music are only things which never became routine because these activities we do out of our heart not our minds. At least IĀ do.

Sometimes it feels hard to see purpose in everyday routine although we might be doing jobs which are considered to be meaningful. What then about jobs which are considered not that much?

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