Since I had to stop last year due to sore heel for couple of months with no prospects of any long runs if any at all I had a hard time coming back to running. I tried to persuade myself it is a part of the journey and it is just temporary, but my willingness going for runs progressively declined.
Part of me, very proud part of me, who managed to run half marathon and was on the journey to the full one, was just sad. She didn’t want to stop running, she wanted to reach her goals and feel as she can and is capable doing so. She didn’t want to feel defeated, give up and start all over again.
I didn’t run for two months in hopes for my heel to heal. It got better, but as soon I have started running again pain came back as well. So although very reluctantly I had to start again from the beginnings. I had to change my already very stripped 10k run plan into 5k one.
Just few months ago I have run full twenty kilometres and now I run just ten five minutes and I feel tired?
What happened to my body?
This has been quite a mental challenge of going running, than few days processing the decline, persuading myself it is going to get better and running again. Sometimes unsure if the pain is normal or I just should stop all together. I tried to listen to my body, but same time not to make excuses for myself. As enjoyable runs still has been and helped me clear my head to somewhat extent it was just not what it once used to be. Fearful part of myself got to speak about my heel never getting better and proud part of myself just nagged me about never running marathon again.
Sometimes in the midst of it is hard to see things may ever got better.
Slowly, step by step I got to walk and run 5k.
My birthday came and I had a strong urge going outdoors as I was working all day. As we have longer light now I got to go to a forest for a quick 5k walk and run. It was a beautiful day and as I smelled pine trees around and heard birds singing I have decided this is the perfect time. Time to start running 5k every day for a year.
The idea was brewing in my head for quite some time, but I have been postponing it as I still didn’t feel ready for the challenge. When would I be though? What better time there is than mark it by my birthsday. I might not manage every single day, my injury might prevent me from doing so, but there is no harm to try and see. I can not run long distance runs this year, but maybe I can run (almost) every day distance I am capable to handle.
Last year in May I have run half a marathon. When comes to running journey it has been so far the biggest achievement and I knew there’s going to come a day when I will have to face an injury. I just didn’t know it’s going to be so soon.
Maybe I shouldn’t run the half marathon already as I experienced sores in my heel. I pushed through hoping that stretches will help, but the amount of running plus job mostly standing on my feet ultimately brought me to face the fact I will not be running marathon I have signed up for in autumn 2024 and maybe I won’t be running at all for a while.
After summer I stopped running for 2 months in hopes my feet will heel.
Running is one of few activities I have found to be helping me not only gain clarity but as well feel somewhat happy in past few years. It is a dopamine boost after all, sense of accomplishment and break from otherwise somewhat routine in life. Just thought of possibly not be capable doing such anymore was quite crushing. I still didn’t get over the fact even while writing these word.
I was very excited about new big dreams of running finally my first marathon in Scottish highlands and hopefully get into more trail running which could maybe ultimately lead to ultramarathons. The subtle pains in the heel intensifying as more I run made me realise once again I have to put my dreams on hold.
Patience with the plan is certainly one of the biggest lessons I am learning in this life.
I run 5k race over bridges in Edinburgh in November 2024 and sporadically have been running since, but I am still not able run straight full 5k when training. As soon I do so the pains are coming back. Still I was hoping to run the marathon in 2025, but I am starting to be realistic now that it will most likely not be possible.
Recently I have seen an interesting project of one YouTube creator (I try to find the source and reference) who run 5k every single day of the year. It made me think, that maybe I should stop focusing on distance this year, but rather on everyday activity.
I can not start with very first day of the year as I am still on the path of reaching 5k through Heart zone training, but I think now I have something to look forward to. Once I am finished with 5k training I would like to do this running challenge and run 5k every single day (unless hiking and camping). Just the habit of every single day movement would likely be a life changing experience.
So this is me thinking about plans for 2025 when comes to running.
What about you? What are your plans for the new year?
I am not really sure where did I find the question, but somewhere I heard if one wants to keep beeing motivated running, they need to know their reasons for doing so. When tough times come and one hits a wall on the race, you should be clear on why do you want to push through and what are your reasons behind being on your feet so many kilometres and aspiring to finish this treacherous march.
People run for different reasons. Hearing others people stories they would talk about runners high, helping their mental health, clearing their head, achieving goals, proving something to themselves…But I feel there must be more behind it. These are all great reasons and goals, but eventually one hits a point where it is just simply not enough and one needs to start digging deeper. I had to.
Tomorrow is the big day when I run my first half marathon and this questions has been hanging over my shoulder past few weeks, even a month if not longer.
So why do I run?
I repeat myself a bit here but it all has started with wanting to exercise. Friend recommendation came my way and Couch to 5k seamed easy enough to follow. It was not too demanding, so I thought why not. Running just couple of minutes felt exhausting, my lungs wanted to burst, my fitness was near to zero. Mental barriers are often much more powerful than the physical ones and as I was progressing through the training I needed to face them. I could push myself physically, but when old well known voice started in my head telling me all sort of things it was hard to not listen to it.
‘you’re not able to do this’
‘look at yourself, you’re weak’
‘what are you thinking wanting to run? You’re not a kid anymore when you were actually good at it.’
‘it’s cold outside.’
‘It’s too hot outside.’
‘It’s too windy.’
‘You are too tired today, leave it for tomorrow.’
I could keep going. There were always tones of excuses why not to run. All my inner demons awaken once I attempted it. But every time I pushed through this barriers I came back home feeling better then before, no matter the weather, how tired I was, how depressed I felt. Sometimes I could run just few minutes, but it was still better then nothing.
The first training ‘couch to 5k’ took me half a year instead of nine weeks, because it was a constant battle in between me and my inner demons. Sometimes they won and other times I celebrated victory. Somewhere deep inside I knew I need to keep going, because it is a matter of life and death. Symbolically. I knew if I manage this it will change my life and maybe I will get my life back, because I lost it in years before. I lost who I always thought I was, I lost inner confidence due to experiences I had to go through, I lost the believe that I am worthy of life, of anything really. I stayed strong when I was in it, but certain experiences just take a toll on us and we feel them on body level, in our psyche long after they are not present in our life anymore.
Running became the one thing to push for as all other outlets were to release inner pain. Running meant I am doing something for his body what carries me, I am more kind and gentle to it, but same time making it keep going no matter how hard things get.
From 5k I kept running, stopping over summers, picking up again during winter time. I was loosing motivation and wanted to be able keep it going all year long, because I actually felt better. Again and again I fell into same state of mind preventing me from running, almost as if I wouldn’t allow myself to feel good as all I knew was pain. It was a comfortable place to be in even if absolutely not beneficial. It is somewhat awful to admit, but it gave me ‘identity’, even if it made sense only to myself and for a long time only on subconscious level.
It was easier every time I reached something or was about to, just stop altogether, take a break, let the fear of actually be good in something prevent me from doing so. This has manifested in all areas of my life. I would be scared open up in relationships as soon they became too close, I would stop painting as soon I became actually good at it, I would almost not finish chosen studies, because there was always ‘what if’. I am a warrior in all the sense of it. Strong and able to push through but same time worrying about every single possible outcome. It amazes me how conditioned we can be by our experiences, environment or even more deeper things such as our DNA or life we lived before this one.
Running became a tool how to break this never ending cycle of ‘giving up’ on things or people I love, but as well on myself and life I became to live in this timeline. If I manage my own ‘saboteur’ within me and sign up for race, if I manage to go and finish it, that means I am able to do the same in other areas of my life too.
I will always remember the night before my first 5k. I needed support, I was very stressed and needed someone close to me to be there, hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okey. Close people who I would reach to were not able to be there because of different reasons or because they struggled with their own demons as well. Maybe at the end it was a blessing. I had to rely on myself, push through this last strongest barrier of self-doubt, listen to the overthinking mind and eventually sooth and calm myself and reassure myself that everything will be all right. I almost did not go, but at the end despite the stress and anxiety I went anyway, telling myself that in the worst scenario I will be last or I don’t finish at all.
The experience was out of the world. The euphoria cumulated within us all runners, the excitement of the crowd cheering their loved ones. I wasn’t last and I did finish. I watched the last person crossing the finish line and she was my hero. I admire people’s strength going against all the odds. She will be able to conquer much more now once she has done it. And so will I.
From the 5k race I went to train to 10k but as always I would stop running over summer. I kept some exercise going though and did my 10k year later. I was going through some major changes in life so this race was a reminder I can get through difficult things. Similar experience, euphoria and excitement. So much motivation. The times of me not running shortened and it was only couple of months after 10k until this day when I consistently trained for my first half marathon. Sitting and writing this is already a huge accomplishment. No matter if I finish tomorrow because of possible heel pains, I know I already got there. From this point I know I can do things and I am capable and worthy of whatever nice life has in store for me. Running helped me understand that the life is not only about pain but it is about fun as well, it is about being kind to oneself. This time this is manifesting in the outside world as well and I am getting kindness and support back.
Thank you.
Coming back to my reasons to run I can only say it is life itself.
I am doing it for all the people around me who love me and I love them to be able to be the best version of myself, keeping my body in check when emotional or mental struggles arise. I do it for all the people I work with to be able to be present with them, sit with their pain and not get pulled deep into it. I run for the body what carries me, to keep it physically and mentally healthy. I run because it is another experience I can have in this life and in this body, it is way to explore the world and my own limits, way to live fulling, exiting life with resilience, compassion and inner strength to choose what is right in every moment for myself but as well in some ways for those around me.
Beside the fact that my mum used to say I loved running as a kid next to her bicycle when going to local grocery store, I have never been a runner. I did okey running in school, but never really thought of running as ‘my’ thing. There always been better ones and I didn’t necessary found a passion and enjoyment in it at that age. It took three decades for me to start some serious running.
The process was slow. I have started with podcast building up to 5k. What was meant to be achieved in 9 weeks took me six months. Starting and stopping, weeks of breaks in between and coming back to the beginnings. Part of me stopped believing in myself or the fact I can actually achieve something. Sometimes it takes just one big traumatic experience to reach rock bottom, other times it takes hundreds of little comments, little ugly actions from outside world and some significant verbal or emotional abuse to reach the point where one looses confidence in themselves.
Beside therapy, serious looking inside of myself and reframing my view of the world running became a final tool pulling me out of dark years of recovery from difficult relationship. I decided, not consciously at a time, to take my life back and start to be writer of my story again. Fighting with inner demons which were over and over pulling me away from keeping up with running I reached my first 5k running. It was an incredible feeling of achievement as I have never done such thing before. My body felt good, my mind clearer and sense of happiness started accompany my days once again.
Over the years I stopped running and picked it up again, similarly as my first 5k podcast done over 6 months rather then 9 weeks. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Today I know I will always be able pick it up. Even though I need to come back a little I will get there if I keep running.
I signed up for my first 5k running race in 2022. I almost gave up a night before. Old familiar voice creeped in once again, trying to persuade me what a fool I am to thinking I can run a race in my thirties. I felt very stressed out and cried my eyes out experiencing serious meltdown until I finally fell asleep. I wished to have there someone to support me, but my close people either weren’t available or didn’t know I even signed up or they just simply decided it is not worth it to be standing an hour by the fence and cheer me up. I was upset about it, but it was one of those moments when I had to decide to cheer myself up and not to be waiting for someone doing such thing for me. As much I wanted to share this experience with someone close I was doing it for myself after all.
What an experience!
I was on the cloud. The cheers from strangers around, the energy within running crowd. We were all there to run and so we did…up the hill…lake…views of the sea and down around Arthur Seat…last few meters…I’ve made it! My first race ever.
I want to experience this again.
So I signed up for my 10k in October.
Summers are hard for running. The air becomes more humid and I find it difficult. Every year I stop running somewhere during the summer. I never run 10k in October as I was not able to train for it. I have learned to deal with ‘failure’ by now and reframe it into something else. I was just not ready yet. I signed up for 10k run in May of next year. As it started approaching I tried my best to train, but as usual it is not always as easy as one would like. By the time the run came I still haven’t run full 10k, I was maybe on 7k, but I decided going anyway.
What an experience once again! The energy, the crowd, the achievement.
My first 10k! And I run the whole time. I was exhausted after but full of endorphins as well. This time I could share the experience with a friend, so it made it even more special.
I want more of this!
Half Marathon it is next year.
I gave myself a goal of one race every year as more might be a bit too much at the moment. There is only few months left at the time I am writing this. By now I have reached my 5k as I stopped running for about 2.5 months in summer, as usual. I am doing bridge to 10k at the moment and hopefully I will manage my longest run before Half Marathon. If I manage this it might mean to run the full marathon next year.
Beside the fact that my mum used to say I loved running as a kid next to her bicycle when going to local grocery store, I have never been a runner. I did okey running in school, but never really thought of running as ‘my’ thing. There always been better ones and I didn’t necessary found a passion and enjoyment in it at that age. It took three decades for me to start some serious running.
The process was slow. I have started with podcast building up to 5k. What was meant to be achieved in 9 weeks took me six months. Starting and stopping, weeks of breaks in between and coming back to the beginnings. Part of me stopped believing in myself or the fact I can actually achieve something. Sometimes it takes just one big traumatic experience to reach rock bottom, other times it takes hundreds of little comments, little ugly actions from outside world and some significant verbal or emotional abuse to reach the point where one looses confidence in themselves.
Beside therapy, serious looking inside of myself and reframing my view of the world running became a final tool pulling me out of dark years of recovery from difficult relationship. I decided, not consciously at a time, to take my life back and start to be writer of my story again. Fighting with inner demons which were over and over pulling me away from keeping up with running I reached my first 5k running. It was an incredible feeling of achievement as I have never done such thing before. My body felt good, my mind clearer and sense of happiness started accompany my days once again.
Over the years I stopped running and picked it up again, similarly as my first 5k podcast done over 6 months rather then 9 weeks. It doesn’t bother me anymore. Today I know I will always be able pick it up. Even though I need to come back a little I will get there if I keep running.
I signed up for my first 5k running race in 2022. I almost gave up a night before. Old familiar voice creeped in once again, trying to persuade me what a fool I am to thinking I can run a race in my thirties. I felt very stressed out and cried my eyes out experiencing serious meltdown until I finally fell asleep. I wished to have there someone to support me, but my close people either weren’t available or didn’t know I even signed up or they just simply decided it is not worth it to be standing an hour by the fence and cheer me up. I was upset about it, but it was one of those moments when I had to decide to cheer myself up and not to be waiting for someone doing such thing for me. As much I wanted to share this experience with someone close I was doing it for myself after all.
What an experience!
I was on the cloud. The cheers from strangers around, the energy within running crowd. We were all there to run and so we did…up the hill…lake…views of the sea and down around Arthur Seat…last few meters…I’ve made it! My first race ever.
I want to experience this again.
So I signed up for my 10k in October.
Summers are hard for running. The air becomes more humid and I find it difficult. Every year I stop running somewhere during the summer. I never run 10k in October as I was not able to train for it. I have learned to deal with ‘failure’ by now and reframe it into something else. I was just not ready yet. I signed up for 10k run in May of next year. As it started approaching I tried my best to train, but as usual it is not always as easy as one would like. By the time the run came I still haven’t run full 10k, I was maybe on 7k, but I decided going anyway.
What an experience once again! The energy, the crowd, the achievement.
My first 10k! And I run the whole time. I was exhausted after but full of endorphins as well. This time I could share the experience with a friend, so it made it even more special.
I want more of this!
Half Marathon it is next year.
I gave myself a goal of one race every year as more might be a bit too much at the moment. There is only few months left at the time I am writing this. By now I have reached my 5k as I stopped running for about 2.5 months in summer, as usual. I am doing bridge to 10k at the moment and hopefully I will manage my longest run before Half Marathon. If I manage this it might mean I’m running the full marathon next year. But let’s not get ahead of myself.
Deliveroo sounded as a great option to get some income as because of decision studying again has prevented me doing full time job. But honestly having full time job in only one field never has been my domain because with routine I quickly loose motivation and inspiration. Path I have chosen determined by artistic journey and self-awareness is very often about experiencing insecurities and being unconsciously put into situations which test my limits bringing up old not useful patterns and test me in many ways how do I face them. I love this way of living even though it can be very challenging at times.
But back to Deliveroo.
I have always loved sports but as years passed I became less and less fit. I would do some hiking I have never minded walking but that would be it.
But then would come walking into stairs.
Oh my god living on the top floor was truly a nightmare and since I moved not only I live on the top floor but even higher than before. Maybe because of my luck of fitness maybe because of stress of the past and its toll on my thyroid stairs became at times my enemy.
Often I would think about my past younger times when I would exercise 5 days a week which I have never been able coming back to.
My financial situation pushed me to find suitable options which would allow me at least to certain extend manage my time and not exhaust myself to the point where there is no creativity left or strength to study mentaly fairly difficult and challenging topic based on a lot of inner work.
Again back to Deliveroo.
So apart of part-time job at school I have started riding. It was a huge challenge specially at the beginnings, because Edinburgh is not flat. I grew up on a flat land, where it would be easy get anywhere by bike, because there were no hills. I hated cycling hills I would never manage with my breath and it felt as literally dying. So being forced to be quick with deliveries and go constantly up the hill (because where I lived before was close to the sea) was a huge challenge which took me months of trying one or two deliveries at a time in order to get better.
Slowly I would see some progress and then lockdown hit.
I haven´t done almost any deliveries in that time as the focus went into my studies, some online work, art, creative projects meeting as little people as possible because we already lived four pretty much strangers in the flat and specially at the beginning no one really knew how things are going to be. Looking back, it wasn´t the greatest decision because I lost all my little fitness I have gained until then so coming back to it after months of being pretty much home was as starting from the point zero.
So I started cycling around to places, running and again slowly gaining some fitness. Riding felt difficult at the beginning I would make one order and I was just ready going home. Mentally this wasn´t helping, because my mind wouldn´t see the point of doing so.
So again finances forced me to keep going.
I have started doing one or two orders per day and slowly getting better and better.
One day I went for a trip with a friend and there was an older man watching as I was unlocking my bike. He shown some light onto my bike struggles because he said that the bike I have he remembers from his younger times about 20 years ago. All of a sudden it made sense why it does always feel so hard riding it.
The bike has started squeaking as to let me know how old it is and I have realised that since I got it about 6 years ago as a second hand bike I have never done any maintenance with it and took it very much for granted.
So I bought at least some oil because obviously the bike was telling me to do something.
I love my bike, but it is truly an old lady.
Today was a first day riding on well-oiled bike and oh my gosh what a difference. I think I had to use twice of the effort before.
Another huge struggle and coming out of my comfort zone was facing amount of people and traffic specially at evenings. I felt as everyone is watching me, which often for some reason I would drive attention of people passing by at me. Maybe it is the fact I am a woman rider, which I do meet very rarely other woman or it´s so obvious that I just often struggle to the hill and am catching my breath. Whatever it is I prefer less crowded times during mornings maybe lunch time even if that means I earn less money.
People seem to be kinder at mornings too, maybe it´s because new day has started and there is no stress of the day present upon them yet.
At the moment of writing this 6 days in the row of riding is behind me. It is still nothing much just about two hours a day, but I am proud of myself, because it feels as with running when you pass certain point until when it feels super difficult suddenly it becomes freeing and nice experience. I believe I am getting there with my bike too. My dad has grown up in very hilly town in the mountains always riding bike, even my grandad would ride the bike around everywhere on those hills to very old age. So I have a strong believe there are genes inside which can find beauty and likeness in riding bike in hilly places.
I am growing to liking this new routine on the bike driving to different places, getting to know my new neighbourhood and enjoying new experience life brought me.
Are you a woman rider yourself or would like to become one? If so and you would like to support me feel free to use my code while registering to become a rider – roo.it/EV346289
Let me know what are your experiences riding for company as Deliveroo if you have some? Are you a fellow woman rider – what are your experiences?
evasworld.blog 