Visits to an old homeland are slowly turning from challenging experience, where I see slipping myself into old patterns, into opportunities to observe the person I have become and am still becoming.
Recently I have attended reunion from my high school after almost 20 years. We are supposed to have such reunion in 2 years and this was meant to be deciding how to make it happen, which I don’t think we got to actually plan, but that’s besides the point.
I haven’t seen some of the people for twenty long years. We all grew, aged, went through life experiences. We all changed in some ways and stayed the same in the others. It was an overwhelming yet joyful experience. I loved most of my high school years and I loved people who were part of it, despite our differences or disagreements. But I am not the same person I once used to be. Or maybe I appear to be on the outside how I behave, yet the inner me feels completely different and I wander how many of us experienced such throughout the evening.
One of my classmates asked me if I am looking forward to return to Scotland. I paused for a second. Yes, I definitely do, my life is here, this is my home now. I answered strangely even to myself, that I feel rooted or grounded here in Scotland.
What does it even mean?
I have had my ups and downs with this country, similarly as I have my ups and downs with Slovakia, but the truth is I feel connected to this land. I don’t know why and I find it strange at times, but that is the truth I feel in my heart. I am still not in the place I feel I am supposed to be, but spirit or call it what you will of this country brought me here, somewhat randomly.
It has never been my true intention to come here, yet since I was 18, looking back I see the path always leading here, no matter what direction I would take.
After a decade living here different struggles came to the surface.
I am realising I am and always will be in between two places, having two homes, one which shaped me and another one which helps me to become who I truly am. That is the root and connection I strongly feel here. When plane descends in Edinburgh and I see hills, the sea or bridges from the window, I feel immediate peace and calmness spreading through my body. I am still not sure what is the reason for me to be here, but I know this is the place helping me to figure it out.
Here I reconnected with nature on a level I don’t think I have ever experienced before.
I had moments in Slovakia, where I felt home in the hills and forests on countless trips I have experienced with my family, friends or throughout the school, but I don’t think I would be able to understand this deep connection if I wouldn’t come here. I am starting to recognise, that the deep connection I have with not only Scotland, but as well with my birth country is forming miles away from it.
Life in the small town in Scottish countryside, is helping me to connect the dots, the places, all the experiences I went through into unique map of ones life, my life.
I surely loved the time spent in Edinburgh, but high cost of living, constant noise and business were my main struggles of past 5 years which prevented me to dig a bit deeper. Prevented me to reconnect with the part of myself which in bursts of energy was trying to speak while I was growing up and visited nature, when pandemic hit and now when I moved out of Edinburgh.
It is an authentic part of what does it mean to be woman or a man connected to this part of themselves. Our connection to the earth and nature. It is ancient vaguely remembered memory of our ancestors, wise intuitive women who were persecuted for the awareness of such connection. Awareness every woman possibly feels deep inside on conscious or subconscious level. Journey some of us feel pull towards very strongly, because society built on current values is disconnecting us all from ourselves – the nature we are.
I feel as by moving out of Edinburgh I have started a chapter of my life, where I can explore this connection deeper. Something I tried in past few years, but practicalities of life, constant rush and need earn living (which is still a struggle, but in different ways) were standing in the way of true deep connection found in solitude, in nature.
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