Category: Field Notes

I am not really sure where did I find the question, but somewhere I heard if one wants to keep beeing motivated running, they need to know their reasons for doing so. When tough times come and one hits a wall on the race, you should be clear on why do you want to push through and what are your reasons behind being on your feet so many kilometres and aspiring to finish this treacherous march.

People run for different reasons. Hearing others people stories they would talk about runners high, helping their mental health, clearing their head, achieving goals, proving something to themselves…But I feel there must be more behind it. These are all great reasons and goals, but eventually one hits a point where it is just simply not enough and one needs to start digging deeper. I had to.

Tomorrow is the big day when I run my first half marathon and this questions has been hanging over my shoulder past few weeks, even a month if not longer.

So why do I run?

I repeat myself a bit here but it all has started with wanting to exercise. Friend recommendation came my way and Couch to 5k seamed easy enough to follow. It was not too demanding, so I thought why not. Running just couple of minutes felt exhausting, my lungs wanted to burst, my fitness was near to zero. Mental barriers are often much more powerful than the physical ones and as I was progressing through the training I needed to face them. I could push myself physically, but when old well known voice started in my head telling me all sort of things it was hard to not listen to it.

‘you’re not able to do this’

‘look at yourself, you’re weak’

‘what are you thinking wanting to run? You’re not a kid anymore when you were actually good at it.’

‘it’s cold outside.’

‘It’s too hot outside.’

‘It’s too windy.’

‘You are too tired today, leave it for tomorrow.’

I could keep going. There were always tones of excuses why not to run. All my inner demons awaken once I attempted it. But every time I pushed through this barriers I came back home feeling better then before, no matter the weather, how tired I was, how depressed I felt. Sometimes I could run just few minutes, but it was still better then nothing.

The first training ‘couch to 5k’ took me half a year instead of nine weeks, because it was a constant battle in between me and my inner demons. Sometimes they won and other times I celebrated victory. Somewhere deep inside I knew I need to keep going, because it is a matter of life and death. Symbolically. I knew if I manage this it will change my life and maybe I will get my life back, because I lost it in years before. I lost who I always thought I was, I lost inner confidence due to experiences I had to go through, I lost the believe that I am worthy of life, of anything really. I stayed strong when I was in it, but certain experiences just take a toll on us and we feel them on body level, in our psyche long after they are not present in our life anymore.

Running became the one thing to push for as all other outlets were to release inner pain. Running meant I am doing something for his body what carries me, I am more kind and gentle to it, but same time making it keep going no matter how hard things get.

From 5k I kept running, stopping over summers, picking up again during winter time. I was loosing motivation and wanted to be able keep it going all year long, because I actually felt better. Again and again I fell into same state of mind preventing me from running, almost as if I wouldn’t allow myself to feel good as all I knew was pain. It was a comfortable place to be in even if absolutely not beneficial. It is somewhat awful to admit, but it gave me ‘identity’, even if it made sense only to myself and for a long time only on subconscious level.

It was easier every time I reached something or was about to, just stop altogether, take a break, let the fear of actually be good in something prevent me from doing so. This has manifested in all areas of my life. I would be scared open up in relationships as soon they became too close, I would stop painting as soon I became actually good at it, I would almost not finish chosen studies, because there was always ‘what if’. I am a warrior in all the sense of it. Strong and able to push through but same time worrying about every single possible outcome. It amazes me how conditioned we can be by our experiences, environment or even more deeper things such as our DNA or life we lived before this one.

Running became a tool how to break this never ending cycle of ‘giving up’ on things or people I love, but as well on myself and life I became to live in this timeline. If I manage my own ‘saboteur’ within me and sign up for race, if I manage to go and finish it, that means I am able to do the same in other areas of my life too.

I will always remember the night before my first 5k. I needed support, I was very stressed and needed someone close to me to be there, hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okey. Close people who I would reach to were not able to be there because of different reasons or because they struggled with their own demons as well. Maybe at the end it was a blessing. I had to rely on myself, push through this last strongest barrier of self-doubt, listen to the overthinking mind and eventually sooth and calm myself and reassure myself that everything will be all right. I almost did not go, but at the end despite the stress and anxiety I went anyway, telling myself that in the worst scenario I will be last or I don’t finish at all.

The experience was out of the world. The euphoria cumulated within us all runners, the excitement of the crowd cheering their loved ones. I wasn’t last and I did finish. I watched the last person crossing the finish line and she was my hero. I admire people’s strength going against all the odds. She will be able to conquer much more now once she has done it. And so will I.

From the 5k race I went to train to 10k but as always I would stop running over summer. I kept some exercise going though and did my 10k year later. I was going through some major changes in life so this race was a reminder I can get through difficult things. Similar experience, euphoria and excitement. So much motivation. The times of me not running shortened and it was only couple of months after 10k until this day when I consistently trained for my first half marathon. Sitting and writing this is already a huge accomplishment. No matter if I finish tomorrow because of possible heel pains, I know I already got there. From this point I know I can do things and I am capable and worthy of whatever nice life has in store for me. Running helped me understand that the life is not only about pain but it is about fun as well, it is about being kind to oneself. This time this is manifesting in the outside world as well and I am getting kindness and support back.

Thank you.

Coming back to my reasons to run I can only say it is life itself.

I am doing it for all the people around me who love me and I love them to be able to be the best version of myself, keeping my body in check when emotional or mental struggles arise. I do it for all the people I work with to be able to be present with them, sit with their pain and not get pulled deep into it. I run for the body what carries me, to keep it physically and mentally healthy. I run because it is another experience I can have in this life and in this body, it is way to explore the world and my own limits, way to live fulling, exiting life with resilience, compassion and inner strength to choose what is right in every moment for myself but as well in some ways for those around me.

I run because I live.

What is your reason?