Tag: life

Some Journeys Are Meant to Be Lived All at Once

Some journeys aren’t meant to be paused — they’re meant to be rather fully experienced, breathed in, and lived through in one flowing story. Finishing Abbey’s Way brought a strange mix of sadness and exhilaration. Over the course of nearly a year, I walked its winding path across shifting seasons, moods, and mindsets. Unlike other hikes I’ve done, this one felt different. It taught me differently. It offered insights I hadn’t expected, and gently asked for a kind of presence I wasn’t always able to give.

Breaking the walk into stages taught me something important: I don’t want to hike like that again. The momentum got lost, the magic faded between the pauses. There’s something powerful about pouring yourself fully into each step through blisters, storms, and all. But even with the stops and starts, there was a quiet gift in it. Time. Time to adjust to wild camping. Time away from everyday responsibilities. Time to grow confident in the untamed. That, too, was part of the lesson.

The ancient legends whispered from the ruins of the four abbeys and echoed along the trail, wrapping the path in a timeless story I now carry within me. It’s only now, with the final steps behind me, that the full story has come into view. Not just the story of Abbey’s Way, but the unfolding of my own journey too.

There’s a particular kind of magic in this landscape. It is the kind that inspired the first Scottish muse, that once pulled humans into the land of fairies. It’s a land of poets, storytellers, and dreamers. And I felt that magic more deeply with every step. Now, I know that was the true purpose of this walk: to reawaken the artist within me. The part that longs to write, paint, and create again.

Each stage was a chance to tell a story. A story rooted in experience, because only what is truly lived can be fully expressed. It’s just the beginning, but it’s the beginning I’ve been waiting for. Each part of the trail felt different, and each video I created helped me grow. That growth is most visible in the final video, the closing chapter of a journey that changed me.

I’m deeply grateful to the path itself and to the unseen companions, the fairies and forests, who joined me along the way. I hear you now. And I’m ready to let you speak.

by Categories: Scottish soul, UncategorizedTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Facing Fear on the West Highland Way: A Journey into the Wild (and Myself)

“Some dreams wait patiently. Others push until you’re ready. The West Highland Way was both.”

‘The Dream That Sat on a Shelf‘

For years, I had romanticized the idea of walking the West Highland Way — a legendary long-distance trail stretching through the Scottish Highlands. During the pandemic, like many others, I started dreaming bigger while stuck indoors. I made a list of long-distance hikes, and at the top sat the West Highland Way. I even planned it out in detail… and then left it sitting on a shelf for two years.

Finally came the time I could make this dream a reality.

From Planning to Panic: When It Got Real

I had a freer week, the courage to commit, and a growing need to reconnect with something raw and real. I started planning seriously: mapping out the trail, calculating daily distances, booking time off work, and reserving campsites. The more tangible the plan became, the more real the challenge felt.

Suddenly, it wasn’t just a romantic idea. I was going to walk over 100 kilometers alone, carrying all my gear on my back. That realization hit hard. What would I pack? Could I handle the weight? Would I be safe on my own?

And there it was — the fear. Quiet, creeping, and relentless.

‘Wild Camping… Or Not Quite Yet‘

I had originally wanted to wild camp along the route. But the more I researched, the more unsure I became. Would I find a safe, discreet spot? Would I feel vulnerable alone in the wild? In the end, I filled even the final “let’s see what happens” night with a pre-booked campsite. I wasn’t ready to fully embrace wild camping — not yet.

Once I was actually on the trail, though, I quickly realized how many of those fears had been unnecessary. Still, facing the exposed landscape and unpredictable Scottish weather was no small thing. At the time, even staying in a tent at a site felt like a huge leap. But I also learned something important: it’s okay to take it step by step. Next time, wild camping will be part of my journey — I know that now.

‘Fear, Gear, and What-Ifs‘

The night before I left was the hardest part of the whole trip. My nerves were very present. Scotland might be my home now, but it’s still a land filled with unfamiliar corners — and I was about to walk through many of them, alone, for days.

I hadn’t pitched my tent before. I hadn’t tested sleeping in it. I had never hiked so far alone. And those questions started running wild:

  • What if something goes wrong?
  • What if I meet the wrong person?
  • What if I can’t handle the weather?
  • What if I just… can’t do it?

All the conditioning we carry — especially as women moving through the world alone — came rushing up. It wasn’t just fear of the unknown. It was the burden of a lifetime of “what ifs.”

It is not to say one shouldn’t be careful, but I realized something else that night: my mind tends to swing between extremes. I either overthink every single detail, or I leap in with barely a plan. With time, I’ve learned to find a middle ground — to prepare mindfully without letting fear take the wheel.

“I’ve learned that fear doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go — it means the journey matters.”

‘How I Deal with Fear (And Still Go Anyway)‘

So how do we move forward when fear shows up?

I’ve always felt deeply afraid before taking a leap. But I’ve also always jumped. That fear never fully goes away, but I’ve learned to listen to the quieter voice beneath it — the adventurous one, the curious one, the one who still believes in possibilities.

That night before my journey, I chose to listen to her.

Because she deserves to be heard.
Because she’s the part of me — and of all of us — that knows freedom.

And so, I went.

“We all carry fear. But we also carry the part of us that still wants to jump.”

You can find full story and more on my YouTube Channel -> @evainscotland

Connect with me on Instagram -> @evainscotland

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Feeling grounded in Scotland deepening lost connection

Visits to an old homeland are slowly turning from challenging experience, where I see slipping myself into old patterns, into opportunities to observe the person I have become and am still becoming.

Recently I have attended reunion from my high school after almost 20 years. We are supposed to have such reunion in 2 years and this was meant to be deciding how to make it happen, which I don’t think we got to actually plan, but that’s besides the point.

I haven’t seen some of the people for twenty long years. We all grew, aged, went through life experiences. We all changed in some ways and stayed the same in the others. It was an overwhelming yet joyful experience. I loved most of my high school years and I loved people who were part of it, despite our differences or disagreements. But I am not the same person I once used to be. Or maybe I appear to be on the outside how I behave, yet the inner me feels completely different and I wander how many of us experienced such throughout the evening.

One of my classmates asked me if I am looking forward to return to Scotland. I paused for a second. Yes, I definitely do, my life is here, this is my home now. I answered strangely even to myself, that I feel rooted or grounded here in Scotland.

What does it even mean?

I have had my ups and downs with this country, similarly as I have my ups and downs with Slovakia, but the truth is I feel connected to this land. I don’t know why and I find it strange at times, but that is the truth I feel in my heart. I am still not in the place I feel I am supposed to be, but spirit or call it what you will of this country brought me here, somewhat randomly.

It has never been my true intention to come here, yet since I was 18, looking back I see the path always leading here, no matter what direction I would take.

After a decade living here different struggles came to the surface.

I am realising I am and always will be in between two places, having two homes, one which shaped me and another one which helps me to become who I truly am. That is the root and connection I strongly feel here. When plane descends in Edinburgh and I see hills, the sea or bridges from the window, I feel immediate peace and calmness spreading through my body. I am still not sure what is the reason for me to be here, but I know this is the place helping me to figure it out.

Here I reconnected with nature on a level I don’t think I have ever experienced before.

I had moments in Slovakia, where I felt home in the hills and forests on countless trips I have experienced with my family, friends or throughout the school, but I don’t think I would be able to understand this deep connection if I wouldn’t come here. I am starting to recognise, that the deep connection I have with not only Scotland, but as well with my  birth country is forming miles away from it.

Life in the small town in Scottish countryside, is helping me to connect the dots, the places, all the experiences I went through into unique map of ones life, my life.

I surely loved the time spent in Edinburgh, but high cost of living, constant noise and business were my main struggles of past 5 years which prevented me to dig a bit deeper. Prevented me to reconnect with the part of myself which in bursts of energy was trying to speak while I was growing up and visited nature, when pandemic hit and now when I moved out of Edinburgh.

It is an authentic part of what does it mean to be woman or a man connected to this part of themselves. Our connection to the earth and nature. It is ancient vaguely remembered memory of our ancestors, wise intuitive women who were persecuted for the awareness of such connection. Awareness every woman possibly feels deep inside on conscious or subconscious level. Journey some of us feel pull towards very strongly, because society built on current values is disconnecting us all from ourselves – the nature we are.

I feel as by moving out of Edinburgh I have started a chapter of my life, where I can explore this connection deeper. Something I tried in past few years, but practicalities of life, constant rush and need earn living (which is still a struggle, but in different ways) were standing in the way of true deep connection found in solitude, in nature.

by Categories: Scottish soul, Slovak soul, UncategorizedTags: , , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Why do I run?

I am not really sure where did I find the question, but somewhere I heard if one wants to keep beeing motivated running, they need to know their reasons for doing so. When tough times come and one hits a wall on the race, you should be clear on why do you want to push through and what are your reasons behind being on your feet so many kilometres and aspiring to finish this treacherous march.

People run for different reasons. Hearing others people stories they would talk about runners high, helping their mental health, clearing their head, achieving goals, proving something to themselves…But I feel there must be more behind it. These are all great reasons and goals, but eventually one hits a point where it is just simply not enough and one needs to start digging deeper. I had to.

Tomorrow is the big day when I run my first half marathon and this questions has been hanging over my shoulder past few weeks, even a month if not longer.

So why do I run?

I repeat myself a bit here but it all has started with wanting to exercise. Friend recommendation came my way and Couch to 5k seamed easy enough to follow. It was not too demanding, so I thought why not. Running just couple of minutes felt exhausting, my lungs wanted to burst, my fitness was near to zero. Mental barriers are often much more powerful than the physical ones and as I was progressing through the training I needed to face them. I could push myself physically, but when old well known voice started in my head telling me all sort of things it was hard to not listen to it.

‘you’re not able to do this’

‘look at yourself, you’re weak’

‘what are you thinking wanting to run? You’re not a kid anymore when you were actually good at it.’

‘it’s cold outside.’

‘It’s too hot outside.’

‘It’s too windy.’

‘You are too tired today, leave it for tomorrow.’

I could keep going. There were always tones of excuses why not to run. All my inner demons awaken once I attempted it. But every time I pushed through this barriers I came back home feeling better then before, no matter the weather, how tired I was, how depressed I felt. Sometimes I could run just few minutes, but it was still better then nothing.

The first training ‘couch to 5k’ took me half a year instead of nine weeks, because it was a constant battle in between me and my inner demons. Sometimes they won and other times I celebrated victory. Somewhere deep inside I knew I need to keep going, because it is a matter of life and death. Symbolically. I knew if I manage this it will change my life and maybe I will get my life back, because I lost it in years before. I lost who I always thought I was, I lost inner confidence due to experiences I had to go through, I lost the believe that I am worthy of life, of anything really. I stayed strong when I was in it, but certain experiences just take a toll on us and we feel them on body level, in our psyche long after they are not present in our life anymore.

Running became the one thing to push for as all other outlets were to release inner pain. Running meant I am doing something for his body what carries me, I am more kind and gentle to it, but same time making it keep going no matter how hard things get.

From 5k I kept running, stopping over summers, picking up again during winter time. I was loosing motivation and wanted to be able keep it going all year long, because I actually felt better. Again and again I fell into same state of mind preventing me from running, almost as if I wouldn’t allow myself to feel good as all I knew was pain. It was a comfortable place to be in even if absolutely not beneficial. It is somewhat awful to admit, but it gave me ‘identity’, even if it made sense only to myself and for a long time only on subconscious level.

It was easier every time I reached something or was about to, just stop altogether, take a break, let the fear of actually be good in something prevent me from doing so. This has manifested in all areas of my life. I would be scared open up in relationships as soon they became too close, I would stop painting as soon I became actually good at it, I would almost not finish chosen studies, because there was always ‘what if’. I am a warrior in all the sense of it. Strong and able to push through but same time worrying about every single possible outcome. It amazes me how conditioned we can be by our experiences, environment or even more deeper things such as our DNA or life we lived before this one.

Running became a tool how to break this never ending cycle of ‘giving up’ on things or people I love, but as well on myself and life I became to live in this timeline. If I manage my own ‘saboteur’ within me and sign up for race, if I manage to go and finish it, that means I am able to do the same in other areas of my life too.

I will always remember the night before my first 5k. I needed support, I was very stressed and needed someone close to me to be there, hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okey. Close people who I would reach to were not able to be there because of different reasons or because they struggled with their own demons as well. Maybe at the end it was a blessing. I had to rely on myself, push through this last strongest barrier of self-doubt, listen to the overthinking mind and eventually sooth and calm myself and reassure myself that everything will be all right. I almost did not go, but at the end despite the stress and anxiety I went anyway, telling myself that in the worst scenario I will be last or I don’t finish at all.

The experience was out of the world. The euphoria cumulated within us all runners, the excitement of the crowd cheering their loved ones. I wasn’t last and I did finish. I watched the last person crossing the finish line and she was my hero. I admire people’s strength going against all the odds. She will be able to conquer much more now once she has done it. And so will I.

From the 5k race I went to train to 10k but as always I would stop running over summer. I kept some exercise going though and did my 10k year later. I was going through some major changes in life so this race was a reminder I can get through difficult things. Similar experience, euphoria and excitement. So much motivation. The times of me not running shortened and it was only couple of months after 10k until this day when I consistently trained for my first half marathon. Sitting and writing this is already a huge accomplishment. No matter if I finish tomorrow because of possible heel pains, I know I already got there. From this point I know I can do things and I am capable and worthy of whatever nice life has in store for me. Running helped me understand that the life is not only about pain but it is about fun as well, it is about being kind to oneself. This time this is manifesting in the outside world as well and I am getting kindness and support back.

Thank you.

Coming back to my reasons to run I can only say it is life itself.

I am doing it for all the people around me who love me and I love them to be able to be the best version of myself, keeping my body in check when emotional or mental struggles arise. I do it for all the people I work with to be able to be present with them, sit with their pain and not get pulled deep into it. I run for the body what carries me, to keep it physically and mentally healthy. I run because it is another experience I can have in this life and in this body, it is way to explore the world and my own limits, way to live fulling, exiting life with resilience, compassion and inner strength to choose what is right in every moment for myself but as well in some ways for those around me.

I run because I live.

What is your reason?

by Categories: Running soulTags: , , , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

The roles we play

To do whatever is required of you in any situation without it becoming a role that you identify with is an essential lesson in the art of living that each one of us is here to learn.

– Echart Tolle

I guess on of the reasons I have an artist block is exactly this. One of the reasons I find difficult to be a counsellor is exactly this. It is difficult to not identify with a role. I see myself as an artist in very different way as is usually considered to be. I create art, because there are feelings and emotions sometimes so overwhelming that I have to get them out as I would go crazy otherwise. I think in creation, I see colours and sunsets and buildings and shapes and patterns and I think how can I immerse myself in it, how can I become it. I tried practice and schedule my art, I tried to become better in technique and ‘think’ about the art I am creating, but if I do that it just never works. As a counsellor I tried to structure my counselling, I tried to think about what are the next possible steps for my clients to take, I tried to think of best possible plan, but that never works. My best creation and arty stuff was when I stopped thinking, when I became the picture I was creating, when I stopped doing and just was. Something created thorugh me.

My best sessions with clients and times when something changed was when I actually had no idea what we are doing and just let it happen. I just maintained the simple rules of safety and just let it happen. I found it difficult then to explain what is going on in the sessions, but I knew they worked even if it did not seam like at the start. As if something talked through me and delivered to the person whatever it was they were meant to hear.

I am coming to conclusion that we are not meant to do, we are just meant to be. I am not an artist. I am not a counsellor. I just am and that’s all and enough. Yet I find it very hard, because we do not live in world and society where this is accepted. As a counsellor I have to have a process and reason for things I do, but sometimes I just do them, because they just feel right in the moment. As an artist I am meant to practice and become better, capture whatever I am capturing. But sometimes I have no idea how and why I choose the colours, the subject or the scene.

Or are these just a constructs of our own mind?

I always saw art as the freest thing. Place where one can channel everything and no one cares how it looks. Andy Warhol once said that

‘You just create art and let people decide what they think of it, you just create.’

I love this perspective. It is stripped of all the judgment from one self, of need for success, need to be recognised, need to stand out. You just create, you just are and let it come through you. Yet all these people had a tough lives, they even haven’t been the nicest people or handled all the most correct way. But they were creators, they were innovators and they just were what ever that meant.

I am scared to be this person. There is so much risk involved, yet if I am not that then who am I?

My entire life has been balancing in between who I want to be and who I should be. Many would say it is because of my upbringing, because of the believes I have adopted in this physical form and they would be mostly correct, but what if it doesn’t matter? What if whatever life I am meant to live just has to be lived? What if I can just get a ride along and see the experience?

Sometimes I wonder how we are so aspiring for own freedom and independence, but yet we are trapped in our own world of criticism and shoulds  and believes what are far away from any real freedom. We judge and think how others should be and should live their lives. We even adopt these roles and personas where we have to maintain certain standards to be us. It seams to be such an illusion of what is really reality.

Sometimes I just want to run and escape. I just want to live far away from everyone and everything. There were times I wanted to die and leave this earth.

I feel as I am on the edge of not adapting the role anymore and just be, yet I always become ‘something’  and then I leave it and run away to next thing just to be able not identify with whatever the role is. So I never really get anywhere, I don’t achieve anything and I am starting to think, that it is exactly what is needed.

I just want to be.

by Categories: Artistic Soul, Life growing soulTags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

New 101 things in 1001 days (2023 start)

After a decade of not coming back to this list, living life through various struggles and valuable experiences, I came back learning that without even knowing I have completed some of the goals I have set up for myself 10 years ago. I haven’s completed many, but there is never too late they say 😊

Some of the goals I do not wish to complete anymore and I am glad I have never done so as I became a different person with different dreams and hopes. Here is my new list of 101 things to be completed in 1001 days. Maybe I will complete them, maybe I never come back to this list for a decade again and maybe I loose interest in some, but today I can certainly say these are dreams reflecting who I have become until today, dreams what are in back of my head from very early days and dreams what are more coming from the heart rather then mind.

Some are more practical, some are truly inner desires and some are try-outs I might enjoy. Let’s see about this one in 2026.

Start: 7.7.2023

Finnish: 3.4.2026

  1. Live in mountains in a cottage/small house
  2. Have a dog or cat
  3. Have a pet bird
  4. Get back to horseback riding
  5. Build therapy/wellbeing centre with horses
  6. Run a marathon
  7. Run a half marathon
  8. Run an (ultra) trail marathon
  9. Build successful private practice
  10. Make long distance hikes in Scotland/UK
  11. Make long distance hike elsewhere
  12. Live on my own
  13. Keep the blog running (1 blog every week)
  14. Keep video creating regularly (2x a month new video or more often)
  15. Make another art exhibition
  16. Finnish ‘events of the world’ exhibition
  17. Keep stable close group of friends
  18. Visit different continent
  19. Camp on my own
  20. Live in a lighthouse
  21. Have a garden
  22. Live minimalistic life constantly – meaning make constant steps to live one
  23. Go to a guided expedition through mountains somewhere in the world
  24. Visit Tibet
  25. Visit Canada
  26. Create a herb first aid kit
  27. Have a herbs garden
  28. Have motorbike driving licence
  29. Buy canon camera and make a lot of photographs
  30. Finnish started book
  31. Learn new habits (20)
  32. Read 5 spanish books
  33. Experience sunrise and sunset in one day
  34. Go do snowboarding in High Tatras and Alps
  35. Start penpals again and regularly exchange letters
  36. Go to a dance school/class
  37. No more bread in my diet (or only little part)
  38. Go to have a massage
  39. Have an earing on the top of my ear
  40. Loose weight to 55kg
  41. Start learning playing piano
  42. Start learning playing violin again
  43. Read all the books in my library what I have not read yet
  44. Write a letter to myself what I think will happen in 5 years
  45. Answer all the 50 questions that will free your mind http://www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/
  46. See aurora
  47. Find out 100 things what make me happy
  48. Do fruit day once a week for a year
  49. Do fasting at least one day
  50. Learn Scottish accent
  51. Visit Prater in Vienna
  52. Try surfing
  53. Do hiking in Czech Krkonose hills
  54. See the top of the hill ‘Krivan’ in High Tatras without being pushed going back because of weather
  55. Don’t eat sweets for half a year
  56. Learn official First Aid
  57. Organise all email addresses
  58. Make for someone breakfast in bed
  59. Finnish drawing book from Oihane
  60. Put together book with art activities for children
  61. Climb Ben Nevis in Scotland
  62. Create a counselling workshop
  63. Own a horse
  64. Try housesitting
  65. Finnish reading ‘The Artists Way’ book
  66. Do yoga regularly
  67. Do regularly outdoor military training for 3 months
  68. Have enough money every month without turning every coin
  69. Get a new tattoo related to Scotland
  70. Get another tattoo related to ouroboros
  71. Learn pois that I can actually do them with a song
  72. Visit a new state
  73. Stay in a Bothy
  74. Do a birthday Trip
  75. Do a road trip
  76. Safe money for a car
  77. Read a classic novel I have never read
  78. Finnish singing classes
  79. Become fluent in Spanish again – find someone you can speak regularly Spanish with
  80. Do 7 days unplug
  81. Learn legs split
  82. Walk Santiago de Compostela for a month
  83. Have passive income
  84. Paint/draw every day
  85. Find lost creativity and touch with art
  86. Visit African Safari
  87. Sing and play guitar on the street
  88. Sing and play guitar on an open mic
  89. Go on holidays with my parents
  90. Travel across Slovakia (on my own or with my parents)
  91. Go to Barcelona see my friend (possibly meet all 4 of us?)
  92. Meet Oihane either in Scotland or Spain
  93. Go to a wellness retreat
  94. Find a way how to live in mountains maybe sustainable small house/cottage
  95. Write regularly articles/blogs/fiction/poems
  96. Make my will
  97. Get an apple pc where I can create videos
  98. Go to a concert of a world famous interpret (or someone I like)
  99. Finnish one of the sketchbooks
  100. Find my own ultimate clothes style
  101. Feel proud finishing all or some of the 101 things and create new 101 things in 1001 days  list
by Categories: 1001 things in 101 days, Life growing soulTags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

101 things in 1001 days breakdown

I picked few of the points from the list ‘101 things in 1001 days’ I would like to talk about. Bold and cursive are the once I have never managed to do, but don’t feel the need of keeping them on the new list. Crossed once are those I managed to do in the past decade.

Create a herb first aid kit

This could be as well herb garden, but not only for food but as well for medical reasons. Back in Slovakia I used to go pick up herbs. I loved it. I haven’t done such a thing here in Scotland beside few rare occasions of wild garlic picking. The reason is I don’t have house, I live in a flat where not even kitchen is my own. That means I have no space to dry herbs over few months as I used to do back in my parents house. I would love to be able one day have my own herbs first aid kit as there is so many herbs what can help instead of pills. One day. This goal is staying.

Finnish law degree

Yeah I have done this one. What a torture that was. Thinking today about my own neurodiversity and about back then anxiety I honestly don’t know how I made myself to go through that. Having a knowledge what I have now I was severely stressed and likely even depressed, because law studies was truly the unhappiest time of my life. I didn’t want to quit so I finished my degree, but I have never worked or ever want to work in law field once I done so. I went completely opposite direction since then and finally I am happy.

Buy canon camera and make a lot of photographs (as well without)  

This has been a dream of so many years. Of course I take photos, but I do not own and never owned a proper camera. I am not sure this will leave me ever. This dream is staying.

Go again out to a club and have a lot of fun, dance till the morning and reset

When I was creating this list in 2013 my life felt as the end of it. I was studying serious carrier I was in quite serious although unhappy relationship and it felt as all those young years of fun and dance and such are all gone. I was not ready to give them up yet. Not long after I came here I had my second puberty for a while enjoying the dancing, late returns to home and lot of fun once again. Looking back I needed it, but same time I sure was dealing with some dark stuff. I certainly was not warned what a toll a toxicity can take on self. I am not a party animal anymore, neither I want to be, but the reset after so many stressful years, I sure did need that.

Minimalism at least in one aspect of life

Well okay. I did cross this one as after many year only recently I started digging into minimalism once again. I did Marie Kondo method in the tiny space I live in hoping I get to even more minimalistic life. Slowly but surely. There is still long way to go, but I sure have much less posetions and if I manage to move one day what I have now and even less should be all I own as I struggle having too many things around.

 Learn French

It is not entirely off list for the future, but I am taking it off the list at the moment. Firstly I would like to learn back Spanish as I forgot a lot of it and maybe one day in the future French would be back on the table. I am not passionate much about languages I have to say, never has been, but it is sure good to know few.

Meditate every day

I have crossed this one off even though I don’t sit to meditation every day. I came to believe and realisation that meditation can be every day life and every single action we do. So I am mostly focused on that, be present in what I am doing be content with what ever is happening and if I am not then observe from observer point of view. I believe that is real meditation.

 Go to a pub where they have at least 5 different kinds of beer and try them all

Being in Scotland this is not a hard one specially after 10 years. There sure are places where I have been so many times I did try more than 5 beers in them.

Read the whole Bible

Even though this might look like as a pretty religious goal it has never been. I find bible or Koran or any religious text fascinating. Well I used to find. There is lot of truths written and there sure was time I wanted to understand them. I guess throughout life and experiences I diverted from this view as I found truths within myself and books as Bible stopped being so fascinating to me. Given the fact they might not be really truthfully written even though the truth is still in them. I don’t  feel a need to read a Bible anymore as I believe the life experience is the ultimate teaching.

Run every day

Okay I am not yet on every day mark but I sure run much more than I have ever done before. I am not even sure if every day is a goal as I can see my legs are prone to injuries if I run too much.

Design my room according to FengShui

This is definitely getting off the list as my belief system changed massively. Despite the fact that I believe Feng Shui works, I don’t believe we are meant to manipulate anything in our life to our benefit. If we do it naturally as something what just comes to us in the moment I see that as a destiny as something what needs to happen, but if we consciously are making steps towards it than we are not trusting the universal order of things. This is way more philosophical and spiritual debate to have then compress it into few sentences, but this is just not what I aspire for anymore.

Meet my friends at least once a month

Seeing this one I have realised that I must have been pretty lonely back then. I had almost zero time, there were either studies or family demands or my relationship struggles. There was no time for myself or for my friends, I was progressively more and more isolated, my anxiety and stress going through the roof. I did not know how to talk to my friends about my relationship and I could not see how damaging it was to any of my worth and self-esteem. This one is sort of a sad one, seeing I even had a need to write it down.

Add more to my tattoo on the back

I am taking this off only because I want to change it to something else still related.

Learn to walk in high hills

I kind of have to laugh about this one. Not that I don’t find high hills pretty, I do, but I certainly have no need of wearing them anymore. Thank god. Reading this I can see the massive change I did by growing up into adulthood. Haha.

Camping by the lake with fire

I have done this multiple times in the past years. Again looking back I was doing nothing what I enjoy and everything what I thought I was supposed to and  should. What a waste of precious time and energy. There certainly are things we need to do to live and earn money to pay our bills and such, but beside that we should be doing things what mean something to us, things we want to do and not only doing them, because we were once told we should or are supposed to. I am in the midst of my life and I don’t want to give my energy to things and people what are dragging me down, where I don’t feel joy and love and what are meaningless to me only because someone else consider them being meaningful. It is time to live my life and be myself.

Learn music notes again

I still don’t remember them all but I can play some again. I am not sure I will ever be able to come to playing by the notes the same way as I used to.

Write all bad memories and throw them to the fire

I think I diverted from all this ritualistic nonsense. Don’t get me wrong there are times we might need exactly this as that is only way we can make peace and bring some sort of closure to what was not dealt with before or was not allowed to be expressed. But I have never get around doing so and I don’t feel a need for it anymore either. I did dealt with so many things in the past years to the point of acceptance that they did happen and I can not erase them I felt through them all let all what was needed out about them, that I finally feel more comfortable in my own skin. All the hurt I experienced, hatred and bad experiences from others was released by feeling it all. I don’t need to burn anything anymore.

Create my own cooking book

As older I am getting as less joy I find in cooking. It is a need to do, necessity for our body to function, but I have never really felt any sort of passion in relation to food. I have a little pad with some recipes, where I am planning to be adding more just to have few meals I can rotate over and over :D, but this is just not something I feel passionate about at all.

Go fishing

This used to be an activity I always connected with peacefulness. I still might enjoy it, but I don’t have such a need for it anymore as it is surely more present in my life by doing all sort of different activities what keep my soul calm(er).

Teach someone something

I am crossing this one as in past 10 years I have certainly thought someone something. From making coffee to help them find way how to live more content life. There were jobs with children, there were deep talks and sharing wisdom. As little I recognise I actually did teach a lot someone something.

Go see world singer concert

There was only one in past 10 years, but I surely loved it to the bits. Feeling the energy of the full stadium, laughs and dances. It was an experience never to be forgotten.

Learn detox/natural healing/self-awareness (be a master at least in one)

I have crossed this one out, not because I became a master. I do not think there is possibility to be a master in any of these as it is life long learning, but when comes to self-awareness I have undertook extensive journey into depths of my own core by becoming a professional in this sort of field. Layer by layer uncovering and exposing to myself, feeling and healing. The journey is not finished and I don’t think ever will be, but the last decade was all about self-awareness.

Do exercise of 5 Tibetans every morning

5 Tibetans are great, but I would be happy if I would just do some yoga in the mornings or even 5 Tibetans, but I don’t want to be this specific anymore. Morning exercise in realms of yoga and similar would be good.

Keep doing GTD method and planning every day

I have no idea what this one is anymore. It was related to productivity and organising. I don’t think I am that ambitious anymore, in fact I am trying to get into more ‘go with the flow’ and ‘procrastinate sometimes’ state, because that is where creativity is born.

Try to write for printed magazine/newspaper or something

If I would stay in Slovakia I might be a journalist today. I have left an offer to become a writer for fast growing online portal and one of the most known in Slovakia today when comes to education, when I was leaving for Scotland. I often come back to pondering what my life would of look like if I would take that job and stayed. It could be very different to the one I have now, but maybe I would end up exactly in the same place. I have no regrets. As much my young self wanted to be uncovering truth and help with ‘right’ narrative I am glad I did not get stuck in that way of thinking and am able today see more colours than just black and white.

Be completely healthy

I don’t think this is even an achievable goal so I am taking this off. I was slightly obsessed with health back then, what was coming from my own anxiety. I am glad I don’t have that anymore and if sick, than I am sick, I will heal or I will not. Beside taking care of our diet and exercise I don’t think we have much of a control over this.

Create human rights blog

Coming back to strong justice feeling I used to have. I used to see it being my purpose. Change the world. How wrong I was and how proud I was. The world is exactly as it is meant to be and I just play tiny little part in its perfect. I am not here to save or change anything or anyone, but myself.

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Chasing the Sun in Scotland

I can´t count how many sunsets I have seen in my life. Yet this year they happened to be even more special. As November comes sun is getting lower and lower. We are in the time of the year when days are the shortest. Sun rises at 8.30 and sets at 3.30. We are still lucky, as it is not as dark as in the very North, but comparing to Slovakia one can feel it quite a bit.

When I walk during the day I see the sun being low all day not reaching very high. There is a beauty in it as it covers the city in the warm light. One day I got an inspiration to go chase the sun. My dad would often tell me a story how he as a little child always wanted to walk towards the sun and reach it. Innocent little soul not understanding that it is not possible.

For few weeks I have been going to close by hills even if for couple of hours in busy weekends, just to catch last bits of the daylight. Thanks to this project my November happened to be so beautiful. Every weekend I was looking forward to go to mountains and watch this beautiful scenery which happens every day again and again and we miss so many days of our lives not seeing this miracle.

I certainly felt every single time as the sun gave me energy for another week. I would go on my own or with friends I would go in advance or even missed the sunset. Yet every time it was a special occasion, special moment and special day. Usually November is a little sad month because winter is inevitable. This year I enjoyed the November probably the most in my entire life just because I went to see something what is here every single day yet we just often don´t see its beauty.

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The cycle – misunderstood natural process of being human

‘She must be on her period, ´ said a man in a suit to his colleague laughing at their boss who just burst in anger about some in their eyes unimportant thing.

´Other woman are just fine and functioning why can´t you?´

´I don´t want to hear about it it´s disgusting.´

´You can´t use your cycle as an excuse for being mean´

I am sorry for maybe uncomfortable topic for some but same time can be a little eye opening and if you are a man you can maybe understand a woman a little bit more.

Have you ever heard any of the statements above? Personaly or throug others I did.

Just few days ago I had very strange experience. Pain would be very common companion every month but what I experienced now was way far more extreme than ever before. I guess the connection to my own woman site and body is reaching its culminating point so with understanding can sometimes come pain as well. I almost called the ambulance when I was just about to faint while making breakfast being unable to stand up, covered in hot sweat, pinpointed to the bed crawling like a hurt animal. My whole body vibrated and only open my eyes was too much, too painful, too overwhelming. Whole world around me was spiralling and I wasn´t sure if it ever ends.

All I could do is accept that my body is going through something difficult yet important. Once I have embraced my state which was a little scary the sensation started easing itself.

Woman cycle is a truly strange but in a way a magical thing as well. I am not an exception in better understanding my own woman site as older I get.

There used to be times when I wished to be rather a man and cycle was one of the reasons.

I have been always very sensitive to it skipped classes at school because of it felt embarrassed when I was one of the first one in my class to experience it.

Such a natural thing which somehow we grow up to hide, feel embarrassed about, find hard to talk about, push ourselves to feel and perform as nothing would be happening every month to our body. We have learnt to take pills to control and change natural patterns as we would think it is our right playing gods.

I don´t blame you there is a huge pressure to be fully functioning as if we wouldn´t be humans.

How could a world run predominantly by mind understand that every woman experiences her cycle differently, some are more sensitive to it than others, that it is unhuman effort to try control moods in this time. How could a mind who doesn´t understand emotions embrace that it is not a sign of weakness but quiet opposite. It is easier to deny the huge impact it has on the body, mind, emotions, performance, mood every single month because it is just not convenient being sensitive and human. It takes time, effort and open mind to understand what is really happening. Unfortunatelly that doesn´t earn any money or perform well on annual progress presentations.

Cycle taught me a lot about myself. Every month I can see a pattern appearing. Just before ´the cleaning process´ my moods change sometimes rapidly. There is nothing I can do about it as I believe you out there either. All we can do is embrace the fact that we are emotional, nervous even mean sometimes and giving people around us a little hard time.

I hear you it is not easy to deal with us but trust me it is not easy to be us in the time either.

Often I would feel to be a different person. My moods lower down, for about a week before,I would prefer quiet environment, no people and withdraw. It is not always possible though in such sped up lives we live sometimes in structure where society is build the way where are no breaks or acknowledgments of woman’s monthly cycle.

I am starting to understand better what could of been society before patriarchy when woman was a centre of society connected to very raw source of our humanness – emotions, nature cycles, body, all we are made of and from.

We don´t live in that world anymore because from body and our heart we moved into our heads. We disconnected from our bodies so much, that sometimes we can´t even spot our own emotions, we became unaware how much they drive our behaviour and thought patterns. In this sense woman are very lucky, because cycle is bringing us back, is teaching us to connect with ourselves to be aware of the pattern to listen what our body needs and is telling us.

It is such a creative process as well. According to my cycle I see the patter of creativity emerging. All the senses heighten just before sometimes in such an overwhelming way that bearing noise is difficult, emotions of other people, my own emotions which reach extreme points.

I am not able to be creative in this time.

Everything feels pointless what the body needs here is quiet going inside rather to the outside world, reflect because something is ending and needs to be processed and let go for another new beginning.  Just after everything calms down I feel renewed as the body is renewed once again. My creativity emerges, my mood is cheerer, ideas emerge, I have much more energy.

New cycle has started and the process of born and death in symbolic way is starting once again.

As a little child full of energy I enter first days, so excited about everything every single experience and as I grow ´older´ throughout the process I calm down and go into slower retrospective state as the cycle is reaching its end just before the period comes the same way as one is reaching end of their life. Month passed and death and new beginning will be experienced once again.

Understanding this process helped me to connect natural processes in life. Everything is changing all the time, nothing stays still or forever, what is born needs to die one day, it’s a natural process we forgot in technological by mind run world.

I feel connected to my woman site today as never before. Through all the pain, misunderstanding, blame, judgment of such natural process we experience every month I finally came to understand how powerful and necessary this all is.

All we need is a support, acceptance and respect that we bear this to show you what one part of human nature is truly about :)

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What is it I am complaining about?

Living in the city can be a bit of a challenge sometimes. Maybe it is not even the city as our (my) lucking ability to switch off. I am certainly a person who is way too sensitive which makes me get easily overwhelmed and guard myself a little more, prone to withdraw. Maybe that is exactly the reason why I tend to seek quiet away from everyone and everything sometimes.

Do you know that feeling?

Everything seems to be too noisy too much too many choices too many people. In a way I do love both noise-quiet light-dark city-village…one reminds me how lucky I am to have the other. Yet I am growing to be old for city life. Maybe I just need a break maybe I am getting ready for a different phase of my life.

More and more I long for long deserted forest walks for exploring quiet forgotten places.

I need to be careful though because one big lesson of my life is being happy with what I have and don´t get lost in dreams about possibilities which are not ´just now´. Little daydreaming though is okay sometimes so I guess today I can give myself permission :D.

I do feel a bit guilty in this very moment while I am writing this as if I would be abandoning Edinburgh a city which gave me so much and taught me to be who I am.

I am slipping lately into memory realms about times I have experienced before, times which feel to be as a different life what I am glad is behind me. Yet all those good or bad experiences I had nice and little less nice people I met brought me exactly where I am today and made me who I am today and I will be forever thankful for that to all of them.

I guess lately I have been longing for ´work´ of my ancestors which is truly strange feeling. I do come from a family which has long history of connection with nature and people. There always has been somehow creative vibe but as well very technical and logical approach. I guess I am trying to find my own place once again as many times before and noise of the city is not always helping. Yet we can only work with what we´ve got and Edinburgh is still far away from very noisy and huge cities. It is very green city too with so many bits of nature which one can explore.

So what exactly is it I am complaining about? :D

I guess I am not alone wishing to experience a life where I get out of the house and am on the edge of the forest. Life where I can run through the meadows whenever I please and smell all the flowers. But as well life filled with not always easy every day work yet somehow meaningful connected to very source of ourselves, to nature.

Maybe one day.

Slowly I am implementing small bits into the life where I am just now. I get to go to the forest, pick up some berries or mushrooms, bake muffins (such a discovery :D), listen to people, play with kids, enjoy time with friends and some new people coming into my life…

For now, I have a privilege to explore at least nature in and around the city. Maybe in some time I get to go farther to the mountains once again and do my so long planned hiking trips. I guess past months were for many of us quite reflecting ones. I am greatful to be healthy have a roof above my head work for others find some time to be creative. It can be struggle sometimes because of the demands of the outside world finances which seem to always avoid me for a very good reason (that is certainly for another story).

Do you have these moments where you are same time grateful for what you have yet that never happy voice becomes a little louder?

Maybe you understand and maybe not…Either way it´s okay… Today has been a little philosophical….

Is there something you are thankful for right now where you are at? Or the wander how life could be different is lauder these days?

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