The cycle – misunderstood natural process of being human

‘She must be on her period, ´ said a man in a suit to his colleague laughing at their boss who just burst in anger about some in their eyes unimportant thing.

´Other woman are just fine and functioning why can´t you?´

´I don´t want to hear about it it´s disgusting.´

´You can´t use your cycle as an excuse for being mean´

I am sorry for maybe uncomfortable topic for some but same time can be a little eye opening and if you are a man you can maybe understand a woman a little bit more.

Have you ever heard any of the statements above? Personaly or throug others I did.

Just few days ago I had very strange experience. Pain would be very common companion every month but what I experienced now was way far more extreme than ever before. I guess the connection to my own woman site and body is reaching its culminating point so with understanding can sometimes come pain as well. I almost called the ambulance when I was just about to faint while making breakfast being unable to stand up, covered in hot sweat, pinpointed to the bed crawling like a hurt animal. My whole body vibrated and only open my eyes was too much, too painful, too overwhelming. Whole world around me was spiralling and I wasn´t sure if it ever ends.

All I could do is accept that my body is going through something difficult yet important. Once I have embraced my state which was a little scary the sensation started easing itself.

Woman cycle is a truly strange but in a way a magical thing as well. I am not an exception in better understanding my own woman site as older I get.

There used to be times when I wished to be rather a man and cycle was one of the reasons.

I have been always very sensitive to it skipped classes at school because of it felt embarrassed when I was one of the first one in my class to experience it.

Such a natural thing which somehow we grow up to hide, feel embarrassed about, find hard to talk about, push ourselves to feel and perform as nothing would be happening every month to our body. We have learnt to take pills to control and change natural patterns as we would think it is our right playing gods.

I don´t blame you there is a huge pressure to be fully functioning as if we wouldn´t be humans.

How could a world run predominantly by mind understand that every woman experiences her cycle differently, some are more sensitive to it than others, that it is unhuman effort to try control moods in this time. How could a mind who doesn´t understand emotions embrace that it is not a sign of weakness but quiet opposite. It is easier to deny the huge impact it has on the body, mind, emotions, performance, mood every single month because it is just not convenient being sensitive and human. It takes time, effort and open mind to understand what is really happening. Unfortunatelly that doesn´t earn any money or perform well on annual progress presentations.

Cycle taught me a lot about myself. Every month I can see a pattern appearing. Just before ´the cleaning process´ my moods change sometimes rapidly. There is nothing I can do about it as I believe you out there either. All we can do is embrace the fact that we are emotional, nervous even mean sometimes and giving people around us a little hard time.

I hear you it is not easy to deal with us but trust me it is not easy to be us in the time either.

Often I would feel to be a different person. My moods lower down, for about a week before,I would prefer quiet environment, no people and withdraw. It is not always possible though in such sped up lives we live sometimes in structure where society is build the way where are no breaks or acknowledgments of woman’s monthly cycle.

I am starting to understand better what could of been society before patriarchy when woman was a centre of society connected to very raw source of our humanness – emotions, nature cycles, body, all we are made of and from.

We don´t live in that world anymore because from body and our heart we moved into our heads. We disconnected from our bodies so much, that sometimes we can´t even spot our own emotions, we became unaware how much they drive our behaviour and thought patterns. In this sense woman are very lucky, because cycle is bringing us back, is teaching us to connect with ourselves to be aware of the pattern to listen what our body needs and is telling us.

It is such a creative process as well. According to my cycle I see the patter of creativity emerging. All the senses heighten just before sometimes in such an overwhelming way that bearing noise is difficult, emotions of other people, my own emotions which reach extreme points.

I am not able to be creative in this time.

Everything feels pointless what the body needs here is quiet going inside rather to the outside world, reflect because something is ending and needs to be processed and let go for another new beginning.  Just after everything calms down I feel renewed as the body is renewed once again. My creativity emerges, my mood is cheerer, ideas emerge, I have much more energy.

New cycle has started and the process of born and death in symbolic way is starting once again.

As a little child full of energy I enter first days, so excited about everything every single experience and as I grow ´older´ throughout the process I calm down and go into slower retrospective state as the cycle is reaching its end just before the period comes the same way as one is reaching end of their life. Month passed and death and new beginning will be experienced once again.

Understanding this process helped me to connect natural processes in life. Everything is changing all the time, nothing stays still or forever, what is born needs to die one day, it’s a natural process we forgot in technological by mind run world.

I feel connected to my woman site today as never before. Through all the pain, misunderstanding, blame, judgment of such natural process we experience every month I finally came to understand how powerful and necessary this all is.

All we need is a support, acceptance and respect that we bear this to show you what one part of human nature is truly about 🙂

Herbs picking – ritual to connect with ancestors

It is summer again. Scottish summers are very different to those back in Slovakia. There is a saying here…

´People need to get used to that summer is not in July and August but in May/June and September´

This saying couldn´t be more truth.

Lately we have a lot of rain and only few days now and then happen to be sunny and warm.

I think that´s why I was lately coming back in my mind to the last summer when I visited my parents. It was over thirty degrees nice warm and sunny almost all the time. One day we have decided to go to the forest for some mushroom picking. It wasn´t the best season for doing so but it was a bit rainy before I came so maybe there was a chance for some mushrooms growing.

This article though is not going to be about our family tradition of mushroom picking but rather about another quite traditional activity in the family – herbs picking.

Street where I grew up is a quiet street where you can enter fields just around the corner. There is a meadow and little stream where flowers blossom in the spring and summer. Many of them are herbs which generations of woman in my family used to pick up and cook different kind of remedies from them.

I remember when I was a little girl for every bump I had there was a special cream which my grandma made and cured everything with.

This skill and interest certainly is something I have inherited as well. I have done some herbs picking only few times here in Scotland so last summer as we got out of the forest and there was this beautiful meadow full of flowers I couldn´t resist and persuaded my parents to stay for a while.

They say that the best time for picking herbs is sunny midday, so that day was exactly like it welcoming us to the flowery meadow.

I felt recently that creating this video would of give me opportunity to connect with these parts of myself somewhat forgotten, connect with my ancestors whose life was so much connected with nature but for some reason they just tried to forget it. There is a lot of we can find in ourselves which is going into past generations of hundreds years ago. My need for nature coming to the basics is ´the calling´of my old ancestors whose lands were possibly taken and who were forced to become someone else than who they have been for generations.

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How to start pursuing your passion.

There is plenty of guidance how to pursue your passion, but what I found to be most difficult from my own experience is to figure out what it actually is.

I always knew I love creative staff I did theatre for some time, played guitar, danced always was doing something creative for my family and friends, but for a long time I didn’t really know that´s actually what fulfils me the most.

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Scotland, did we make it?

They say seventh year is the critical one for relationship. The year when you either get married or break up. I can´t really say from the romantic experience just yet but there is one relationship which kinda reflects that.

It has been seven years since I moved to Scotland.

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Am I where I am supposed to be?

It is question I would be asking myself quite a lot in my life. Have you?

In times of struggle and feeling drained I would be asking myself what is the purpose of my life…I would always find it for a little while in something but then I would get stuck in routine again and again. Art and music are only things which never became routine because these activities we do out of our heart not our minds. At least I do.

Sometimes it feels hard to see purpose in everyday routine although we might be doing jobs which are considered to be meaningful. What then about jobs which are considered not that much?

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Artist’s journey 2018 came to its end

There is always an end to everything. Time to recollect look back to our steps what we left behind and what we have learnt.

It is new year but I´m not going to write about past year and all those valuable experiences I have learnt. No. I want to talk about my passion which is art. Last year I made a step to get better and started art watercolour course which lasted around three months and I learnt not just about watercolour techniques but about my skills and believes holding me back or intentions pushing me forward.

My intentions originally were to write about every class and techniques I learnt. Life got in the way though and my priorities were somewhere else – in finishing my hypnotherapy qualification (about that maybe some other time) which consumed all my spare time.

What would it be art and paintings without its stories. What would be painting techniques without its purpose?

So this is my journey through my watercolour course which started in September 2018.

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Time to get some paid art classes

Yesterday I had my first painting class. I do art about 3 years now, but I am self-thought artist. Well I wouldn´t really call myself an artist yet 🙂

I have started doing art on very strange circumstances. There was a guy of course. I was very much in love with him, but it just wasn´t right timing, maybe we weren´t meant to be for each other. He left thousands miles away and I found it hard to deal with all the emotions. One day I found myself standing in front of the shelf with art supplies in the shop thinking: „what the hell am I doing here? I have no idea about art.“ But I saw how my hand is reaching for brushes and paints. It was just incredible, something what was probably meant to be and I had no control over that. I got home and started painting and I draw and paint since then (with huge gaps sometimes though).

Back to the class now. This is my first time taking paid classes with a tutor and it is gonna be a great experience. On first class I learnt so much, techniques I had no idea about until now and just those simple easy advices opened another door for me when it comes to watercolours.

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Experience unforgatable weekend in Edinburgh over Fringe

That time of the year when there is three times more people, music everywhere, venues full of visitors. Me and my friends spending nights drinking beer and seeing one life band after another, venue shows changing to street performance and getting satisfying feelings what only music can offer.  There is a place famous for its festival and fringe. This place is in Scotland and attracts all artists, magicians, musicians and other performers all over the world every year.

Would you like to visit one day and wondering what Edinburgh over festival time looks like?

Let me give you small taste of this remarkable event.

You already know that I live In Edinburgh at the moment. I haven´t post much lately there was festival known as ´film festival ‘or ´fringe ‘ here. There is happening way too much everywhere so I find it quite overwhelming, but in the same time if you go with a flow you might find many surprisingly amazing performances.

It all started with amazing opening light show on St. Andrews square.

I think I have never seen such a thing in my life. Until now I have seen opening show in past three years and every year I thought it can´t get any better. But they beat it every year. Light show on buildings around whole St. Andrews square was something what is not even possible to capture by words or photos neither by camera.

But here is an idea…

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I am a Shadow Artist

Do you feel dried of creative energy as me lately? Luckyly I found interstening book Artist´s way from Julia Cameron and hanks to advices inside of the book my lost creativity appeared again and now I paint and draw over nights and play guitar almost daily.

We live in very strange society where is success marked through look, money, fame, property and other touchable things. Unfortunately there is very few who raise their children and mark success through happiness, feeling of fulfilment and so. I am one of those who were raised in society where good life is marked through first group of achievements. Logically support to be an artist has never happened. Unfortunately many artists will never receive critical early encouragement because people and society around them doesn´t support this kind of interest. It is not because they would be mean it is because they were raised very same way and mean good for us to have a ´good life´ forgetting that good life means to do what makes us happy.

Even if we were told ´try it and see what happens´ without support more to the point young artists very often give up their dreams and settling to the world of could-have-beens and regrets. There  caught between the dream of action and the fear of failure, shadow artists are born.

Very often shadow artists who might even have successful life with amazing careers surround themselves by other artists work or even find partners who they support in their artistic career to fulfil their own creative need and dream. Shadow artists are just blocked artists who didn´t allowed to themselves to be what they feel to be.

Very often shadow artists have luck of enough confidence and don´t even take themselves seriously. Every artist needs nurturing and support. Creativity is play, but for shadow artists, learning to allow themselves to play is hard work. They might show their first pictures to judgmental friends or family who even more discourage them. It is some kind of self-masochism.  For all shadow artists, life may be a disconnected experience, filled with a sense of missed purpose and unfilled promise.

I am shadow artist as well. Once as a child told that I can´t draw I abandoned this skill for many years although art and music are two things I admire the most. I remember as a child I admired street artists drawing portraits or selling their beautiful pictures of buildings or nature. It´s been not long since I have started drawing and painting and I am still learning but I am very happy I have managed came back to this abandoned dream from my childhood. Better later then never and who know maybe I will be able over step my shadow one day.

Vision Board

I dropped the path leading me to golden prison and decided to be more mayself and doing things I really love. I have started painting, working in hospitality, playing guitar again. But I got lost somewhere on the way because that annoying voice in my head saying ´you can´t make living from this, you´re not good enough´just wouldn´t stop.

I got so lost that I even wouldn´t allow myself doing things I really love. What is it I actually really love?

There came to me an idea about vision board. Well the real idea of vision board is that you put on the paper goals you would want to achieve in the future or places you would like to visit to keep them in your focus.

I made a little bit different vision board where I put five main things I love and make me happy to keep them in mind and focus on them in daily life. I have struggles to keep going in things I really love as my reasonable self doesn´t consider them to be important.

So I said to my annying voice: ´Since now I´ll make choices according to five things what appeared on my board.´

I am coming back to my childhood years back to things I loved there or as a teenager. Not anymore listening what I ´should´ but what I ´feel/want´ to be doing. My vision board appeared on the paper and I luckily realised that actually I am already slowly going towards my dreams doing what I really love. Better late than never 🙂

So if you feel inspired take some paper, paints, pencils and markers. Print out some pictures and make your own vision board. What you love in your life the most? What were your dreams as a child? What you loved back then?

Or are there places you would love to visit?

Keeping focus on things we really love makes us happier. World full of happy people is definitely place worth living as only happy person is able to make happy someone else.

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So what would look like your vision board?

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